.
.
 Notes
on "Keep busy with lots of productive activities
..."
- These activities can be any of the
get-up-and-get-going activities of
socializing, sports, hiking, volunteering,
etc. The individual activities do not matter:
that is, there is no evidence that tennis is
better at making people happy than is ice
skating, for example. What is important is the
"something in which to be engaged." It helps
us to focus on something beyond our troubles.
Of course, when done with others, it brings an
important social component; and the exercise
component can only help with general health
and fitness. Take a walk every day; take your dog. When you
can add meaningfulness and purpose, you
amplify the effect.
.
- Remember Lincoln's note on getting out and
being busy with good works:
- “Things may come to those who wait, but
only the things left by those who hustle.”
.
- Recall also Burns'
advice if you just can't get yourself going:
- "Do you know why virtually any meaningful
activity has a decent chance of brightening
your mood'? If you do nothing, you will
become preoccupied with the flood of
negative, destructive thoughts. If you
do something, you will be temporarily
distracted from that internal dialogue
of self-denigration. What is even more
important, the sense of mastery you will
experience [when you succeed in some ways]
will disprove many of the distorted thoughts
that slowed you down in the first place." [Chapter 5:
Do-Nothingism: How to Beat It, p. 94; my emphasis].
- Happiness does not
depend entirely on accomplishment, but don't
ignore it altogether either; it can often
provide a helpful boost. Being effective in
your work and in life is a worthwhile
pursuit; and to accomplish that (sorry, pun
intended), here is an interesting article
from Darius
Foroux (about):
"12
Positive Personality Traits Of Effective
People." Darius posts
lots of helpful articles.
And you can subscribe to his mailing list.
.
.
Notes
on "Social interaction provides what is perhaps
the most important activity leading to
increased happiness ..."
- Social interaction, as an activity,
shares the "perhaps most important"
designation with Optimism as an attitude or
mindset. These two happiness assets are
often seen to contribute more to increased
happiness than do other attitudes and/or
activities. Thus, they are listed together at
the top of many lists of ways to increase
happiness.
- Having a rewarding love-relationship can be
an important part of social interaction, of
course. It is the number 1 happiness asset for
most everyone according to many researchers.
As such, it may be well worth the effort to
find, or (if you already have it) to enhance
and preserve.
- Search for "skills for success" and select
those not typically taught in school. Focus
energy and effort to learn and apply these
skills. The time will be well spent, it will
help focus your thoughts on something
engaging, and the results will pay off many
times over as you live out your future life,
... all with enhanced happiness and joy.
Google this: "skills for success not taught
in school" without the quotation marks.
You'll see dozens and dozens of helpful
suggestions.
- An
80-Year Harvard Study Says [Good
Relationships] Will Make You Happier and
Healthier. Author Justin Bariso quotes
Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and
currently direct[or of] the Harvard Study of
Adult Development, one of the most
comprehensive studies of emotional
well-being in history. Waldinger says
flatly: "Good relationships keep us happier
and healthier. Period. It was how satisfied
[the study participants] were in their
relationships. The people who were the most
satisfied in their relationships at age 50
were the healthiest at age 80. Good
relationships don't just protect our bodies;
they protect our brains, ..." Waldinger
continued. The article has lots of links to
backup material, too. Well worth the reading
time.
- For those who are faith inspired, have
perhaps been raised to avoid these topics
growing up, and are looking for reliable
information about lovemaking that is
consistent with Christian religious thought,
an active Latter-day Saint couple has writen
a tasteful and frank discussion that is very
helpful and long overdue: "And
It Was Very Good: A Latter-day Saint’s
Guide to Lovemaking."
- Social interaction can't always just be
increased to improve happiness, of course.
Like everything else, it needs to be managed.
Thrive
Global (about)
has posted The
Problem With the Word “Yes” - When
we're so quick to take on new tasks and
responsibilities [and even new. and
usually helpful, social interactivity], we
don't realize what we give up in the
process. Author, Dr. Pedram Shojai cites
a good example:
- For example, your friends call you
up and say, “Let’s go for a drink.” You
impulsively say, “Yes. Okay, great; let’s
do this!”
You had plans to go to the gym, eat a
healthy dinner, and get home to your
family. You need to help your son with a
project, and it’s due next week. But now
you’ve taken down a few drinks, eaten
chicken wings and chips, drunk a few more
drinks, skipped the workout, and gotten
home after [your son] went to bed. That
one yes killed three previous yeses.
Namely:
..Yes to a healthy
fitness routine that would boost your
energy, clear your head, and make you feel
happy in life;
..Yes to a healthy
dinner that would nourish a robust
microbiome, reduce inflammation, feed your
cells, hydrate your body, and energize
your life; and
..Yes to your family
that needs you to be a great partner,
parent, role model, friend, and positive
example of someone who makes [and follows
through with] the right choices.
Is that one impulsive yes worth backing
out of the three yeses you had already
committed to? Seldom is that answer “Yes.”
- Where social interaction is available, and
especially when people find it comfortable and
rewarding, then when one knows how important
it can be, this can be a very enjoyable way to
create a happy mood at the moment, and to
increase one's general level of happiness over
the longer term. Dr. Michael Fordyce (above) in his 13th
Fundamental "Close Relationships are #1"
makes the following observations:
- Appreciate and maintain your close
friends, your family members, and your most
intimates -- for these are your main source
of happiness!
- If you are fortunate to have such ties,
do whatever you can do to develop, to
maintain, to repair, or to sustain your
relationship with them. More than money,
more than success, more than fame or
popularity -- time invested in enhancing
your closest ties will reap, by far, the
greatest happiness rewards life affords,
according to the bulk of happiness research.
- Love is, indeed, the most potent
happiness factor of all! The research is
abundantly clear: a person who has loving,
close social and familial ties in their
life, has the greatest happiness gift life
can provide! Of all the factors researchers
have studied, this one factor appears to be
confirmed as a universal certainty!
- Engage in, pursue and cultivate the
relationships that help you in your
happiness quest; allow others to decline and
fade.
- Julie Beck has posted on The Atlantic
magazine website, "How
Friendships Change in Adulthood."
It provides excellent information about the
desirability of keeping, maintaining (and
resuscitating if needed) friendships you
have cultivated in earlier, perhaps happier
times. They can help you maintain balance,
and improve not just your outlook, but your
general mental health, and even your
physical health, especially during stressful
or depressing times.
- Social interaction is also a great activity
in which to practice the Eighth Fundamental of
Dr. Fordyce, "Present-Orientation." By
itself, the latter is an aid to achieving
greater happiness; and practicing it during
social interactivity can magnify the effect of
both.
- One of the difficulties of some unhappy
people, of course, is that social interaction
is neither comfortable nor rewarding. They
often feel that they make more enemies than
friends with their efforts to interact
socially. They often withdraw and isolate
themselves socially as a result. In these
cases, one can just focus more on other
methods, particularly optimism and positive
thinking (see note
below) which are also very important
happiness assets (and can be pursued even if
one is completely alone). Happily (sorry, pun
intended), once some higher level of general
happiness is gained, many of these people will
find that their social skills will also
improve, leaving them free to pursue increased
social interaction, perhaps starting with some
of the more cautious approaches.
- Even small and casual investments in
low-stakes relationships can be very
helpful. Thrive Global [about--notes
from Arianna Huffington] has posted "Smiling
at Strangers Can Make You Happier,
According to Science: Research shows
there’s power in a meaningful
connection—even if it’s a quick “good
morning” to your local barista. The author
cites others who "[call] these low-stakes
relationships ‘weak ties,’" ... “[They] can
have a positive impact on our well-being by
helping us feel more connected to other
social groups … and empower us to be more
empathetic. We’re likely to feel less
lonely, too.”
- Some people will scoff, or course, and
claim it is not really socializing; but if you
are very shy, you can do some on-line
socializing, at least to get started. Check
out some of the social networking websites,
adopt a persona, or simply be yourself, and
see what happens. Be cautious about what you
post on the Internet, of course (in any case, you should
post only information that you would
be comfortable if anybody saw
it--see our notes on the lengthy
lifetimes and potential wide
distribution--and especially privacy
issues--concerning Internet
posts of all sorts).
- An article
entitled "What
Technology Can’t Change About
Happiness" - mentions that as
pills and gadgets proliferate, what
matters is still social connection.
Adam Piore, the author, starts by
pointing out that the increased
connections available through
electronic technologies are no
substitute for face-to-face (or even
voice over the telephone)
conversations and other human
interactivity. Toward the end of the
article, however, he brings a broader
perspective that we all use lots of
technologies in our interactions with
others, even pointing out that social
networking allows us to keep track of
old friends like never before,
increasing both our connectedness and
our interactivity, all often for the
better in terms of our well-being and
happiness.
- Social interaction and close relationships
are strong happiness assets; and a rewarding
love relationship (when it is good) is the
strongest happiness asset. However, as Dr.
Michael Fordyce (above)
also points out in his 13th Fundamental "Close Relationships are #1,"
one's personal mental health (the balance and
self-sufficiency they bring to a relationship
in the first instance--see his 9th Fundamental
"Work On a Healthy
Personality") is the principal predictor
of relationship success, overall. The point
here is that working on one's own
self-sufficiency and balanced mental health
first, and then seeking a rewarding love
relationship may be a better approach than
beginning with a quest for a rewarding love
relationship.
.
- Social interaction can be compromised by
current technology when we rely on social
media at the expense of actual face-to-face
interaction. Arianna Huffington at Thrive
Global posts "2019
Is the Year to Go Beyond Awareness and
Actually Take Charge of Our Relationship
With Technology." Her subtitle is "What
we’ve discovered is that technology might be
great at delivering what we want in the
moment, but it’s less great at giving us what
we need over the long term." She emphasises
"Yes, we all love our devices and all the
amazing things they allow us to do. But at the
same time, our technology has accelerated our
lives beyond our capacity to keep up. We all
feel it, and it’s getting worse. It turns out,
we’re being controlled by something we should
be controlling. And it’s consuming our
attention and crippling our ability to focus,
think, be present, and, most important, to
truly connect, both with others and with
ourselves."
- Back in the day, Dale Carnegie wrote an
all-time best seller, "How to Win Friends
and Influence People" (Wiki entry; basic summary; excerpts)
that lists all the ways that common sense and
many other authors have articulated. But He
does it with such charm and grace that the
book is now celebrating 70+ years in print,
and 15+ million in sales. This book is a good
read, very uplifting by itself, and also, of
course, very helpful in improving social
relationships of all sorts (and with a large
variety of really good examples). Below are
some of the main points ("in a nutshell," as
he says) from "How to Win Friends and
Influence People."
.
- FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING
PEOPLE -- p 50.
.
- PRINCIPLE 1 - Don't criticize, condemn
or complain.
- PRINCIPLE 2 - Give honest and sincere
appreciation.
- PRINCIPLE 3 - Arouse in the other
person an eager want.
.
.
- SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
-- p. 112.
.
- PRINCIPLE 1 - Become genuinely
interested in other people.
- PRINCIPLE 2 - Smile.
- PRINCIPLE 3 - Remember that a person's
name is to that person the sweetest and
most important sound in any language.
- PRINCIPLE 4 - Be a good listener.
Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- PRINCIPLE 5 - Talk in terms of the
other person's interests.
- PRINCIPLE 6 - Make the other person
feel important--and do it sincerely.
.
.
- WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
-- p. 200.
.
- PRINCIPLE 1 - The only way to get
the best of an argument is to avoid it.
- PRINCIPLE 2 - Show respect for
the other person's opinions. Never say,
"You're wrong."
- PRINCIPLE 3 - If you are wrong,
admit it quickly and emphatically.
- PRINCIPLE 4 - Begin in a friendly
way.
- PRINCIPLE 5 - Get the other
person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
- PRINCIPLE 6 - Let the other
person do a great deal of the talking.
- PRINCIPLE 7 - Let the other
person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- PRINCIPLE 8 - Try honestly to see
things from the other person's point of
view.
- PRINCIPLE 9 - Be sympathetic with
the other person's ideas and desires.
- PRINCIPLE 10 - Appeal to the nobler
motives.
- PRINCIPLE 11 - Dramatize your ideas.
- PRINCIPLE 12 - Throw down a challenge.
.
.
- BE A LEADER -- p. 248.
.
A leader's job often includes changing your
people's attitudes and behavior.
Some suggestions to accomplish this:
.
- PRINCIPLE 1 - Begin with praise and
honest appreciation.
- PRINCIPLE 2 - Call attention to
people's mistakes indirectly.
- PRINCIPLE 3 - Talk about your own
mistakes before criticizing the other
person.
- PRINCIPLE 4 - Ask questions instead of
giving direct orders.
- PRINCIPLE 5 - Let the other person save
face.
- PRINCIPLE 6 - Praise the slightest
improvement and praise every improvement.
Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish
in your praise."
- PRINCIPLE 7 - Give the other person a
fine reputation to live up to.
- PRINCIPLE 8 - Use encouragement. Make
any fault seem easy to correct.
- PRINCIPLE 9 - Make the other person
happy about doing the thing you suggest.
.
.
Notes
on "Focus on the here and now ..."
- This may seem trivial in its importance
initially; but it is central to finding
enduring happiness from within, and for letting go of unhelpful
worries/fears/regrets/past
hurts/recriminations/low self-image and
other baggage. Worries about the future
and guilt about the past only serve to hijack
your attention away from the present (the only
time and place where you can do
anything, including feeling happy).
- The Mindful
organization (about)
posts "The
Secrets to Wiring a Happier Brain"
dealing with ways to bring engagement and
fulfillment to your everyday activities, and
then making it a regular habit. Doing and
thinking mindfully is very helpful to your
happiness pursuits. They post other helpful
articles, too (look for "top stories" on their
entry page).
- This
Is How To Kill Bad Habits With Mindfulness
identifies 4 helpful steps: Recognize, Accept,
Investigate and Note (RAIN). "By really
watching what you do, noticing how you feel,
you can start to realize the bad habit isn’t
helping fix the problem. You don’t really feel
any better. And that realization is key.
That’s what will break the cycle."
.
- Eckhart Tolle says (in The
Power of NOW: a guide to spiritual
enlightenment [chapter 3, Moving Deeply
Into the Now, page 55; Book Review]: "Be
present as the watcher of your mind--of your
thoughts and emotions as well as your
reactions in various situations. Be at least
as interested in your reactions as in the
situation or person that causes you to react.
Notice also how often your attention is in the
past or future. Do not judge or analyze what
you observe. Watch the thought, feel the
emotion, observe the reaction. Do not make a
personal problem out of them. You will then
feel something more powerful than any of those
things that you observe: [enjoying] the still,
observing presence itself behind the
content of your mind, the silent watcher."
.
- The above reviewer points out that "This is
one of the many ways in which.Eckhart Tolle’s
teaching is so radically different from
other spiritual traditions. He seems to imply
that enlightenment is already the case, and
that we only need to stop and be silent for
this dimension to be revealed to us.
Furthermore, Eckhart Tolle maintains that
enlightenment is the only truly natural way to
live one’s life; it is only through a radical
transformation of human consciousness that
humanity can hope to live in peace and
harmony." The core of this transformation is
to focus much more on the here and now, using
the past and future only as reference points,
when needed; but dwell in the present.
.
- Eckhart Tolle has also written A
New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
[Author's comments],
which I found quite a bit more readable than The
Power of NOW. In A New Earth,
Tolle speaks eloquently (and to me, much more
clearly) concerning the role of the ego in
strengthening the false self, and how to
dissolve its effects simply by being the
watcher of your mind (see immediately above).
Taking these steps is essential to obtaining
that inner happiness which we are all seeking,
and is within each of us, waiting to be
allowed to manifest itself.
.
On happiness, Tolle says (A New Earth,
chapter 4 - Role-playing: the Many Faces of the
Ego, p. 96),
.
| Don't seek happiness. If you seek
it, you won't find it, because seeking
is the antithesis of happiness.
Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom
from unhappiness is attainable now, by
facing what "is" rather than making up
stories about it.
.
Unhappiness covers up your natural
state of well-being and inner peace,
the source of true happiness. |
.
- In his comments on writing A
New Earth {scroll down past the
photo of the book, etc., to "The One Thing"
heading}, Tolle notes that "the terminology
used needs to be as neutral as possible so
that it transcends the confines of any one
culture, religion, or spiritual tradition." In
my view, he substantially accomplishes that
goal. Well done; and very helpful.
.
.
.
- Many happiness seekers also find meditation
helpful for focusing on the here and now.
.
- Thoughts lead to feelings. Control thoughts
by changing to better thoughts; better
feelings will result.
- Rhonda Byrne, in The Secret,
says: "Make a list of some Secret Shifters
to have up your sleeve. By Secret Shifters,
I mean things that can change your feelings
in a snap. It might be beautiful memories,
future events, funny moments, nature, a
person you love, your favorite music. Then
if you find yourself angry or frustrated or
not feeling good, turn to your Secret
Shifters list and focus on one of them.
Different things will shift you at different
times, so if one doesn't work, go to
another. It only takes a minute or two of
changing focus ... ." When you feel better,
re-focus on the here and now.
- She quotes Bob Proctor on the subject:
"When you're feeling down, did you know that
you can change it in an instant? Put on a
beautiful piece of music, or start
singing--that'll change your emotion. Or
think of something beautiful. Think of a
baby or somebody that you truly love, and
dwell on it. Really keep that thought in
your mind. Block everything out but that
thought. I guarantee you'll start to feel
good."
.
- Try some of the "8 Ways to Return to the
Present Moment" from the
Positivity Blog (see Related
item below):
- 1. Focus on what’s right in front of you.
- 2. Focus on your breathing.
- 3. Focus on your inner body.
- 4. Pick up the vibe from present people.
- 5. Surrender to the emotion that is
already there.
- 6. See things as for the first time.
- 7. Punch your leg.
- 8. Have a drink or two. [... OJ, of
course!]
.
- For a concrete and testable example that
"what you think is what you get," see the Cesar Millan
"Dog Whisperer" example in Related Resources
below.
- Keep in mind the sage advice of Adam Smith:
"Through the whole of his life he pursues the
idea of a certain artificial and elegant
repose which he may never arrive at, for which
he sacrifices a real tranquility that is at
all times in his power, and which, if in the
extremity of old age he should at last attain
to it, he will find to be in no respect
preferable to that humble security and
contentment which he had abandoned for it."
- Do your chores with mindfulness (be fully
present, engaged, feeling the sensations, and
focused on doing them right), and you will be
very pleasantly surprised that they become much
less burdensome, even pleasant. And you will
find yourself feeling a good deal better too.
Here are some examples.
- The Marc and
Angel Hack Life (about)
website posts One
Hard Thing Mentally Strong People Do When
Life Doesn’t Go as Planned. They are
referring to the practice of setting aside
expectations in order to experience a new or
changed approach with fresh eyes or a fresh
state of mind.
- Their opening example invites you to
"Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine
sitting on the table in front of you. You
pick it up eagerly, take a bite and begin to
taste it. You already know how a ripe, juicy
tangerine should taste, and so when this one
is a bit tarter than expected, you make a
face, feel a sense of disappointment and
swallow it, feeling cheated out of the
experience you expected. Or perhaps the
tangerine tastes completely normal—nothing
special at all. So, you swallow it without
even pausing to appreciate its [delightful]
flavor, as you move on to the next unworthy
bite, and the next. In the first scenario,
the tangerine let you down because it didn’t
meet your expectations. In the second, it
was too plain because it met your
expectations to a T." In both cases you lose
a significant boost to your mood: you are
disappointed because it was too tart, or you
are indifferent because it tasted the way
you expected. Conversely, by setting aside
your expectations you can gain the boost of
tasting a delightful tangerine just as it IS
and instead have a very enjoyable experience
either way. Their point is that you
immediately feel better about that little
experience merely by being present in the
moment (without expectations); and you can
apply that to life generally to feel better
overall most of the time instead of being
disappointed or indifferent. This article is
worth the read; and the idea is worth
considering for life's broader experiences
more generally. Just be present in the
moment for an enhanced mood of greater joy
and happiness. It is a simple, easy,
low-cost trial for a full-time better
outlook in everything you do and think
about.
- In a very similar vein, Psychology
Today posts "Finding
Happiness When Life Doesn’t Turn Out as
You Planned," by Dr.
Juliana Breines, a social and health
psychologist whose research examines how
self-compassion relates to stress
reactivity, behavior change, and body image.
"It [the happiness] might be where you least
expect it," she says in the subtitle. Here
are some quotations from the article:
- "The loss of an imagined future can
involve a grieving process worthy of being
taken seriously."
- "Savoring positive experiences can help
people find more joy in life, especially
in challenging times."
- "Recent studies show that people who
think of their lives as journeys through
adversity may experience a greater sense
of meaning and purpose."
- "The following [headings, each with
expanded ideas] are four strategies that
can help us embrace a different life than
the one we planned."
- "1. Allow yourself to grieve the loss
of the life you wanted."
- "2. Avoid idealizing other people’s
lives."
- "3. Savor the good things." And ...
- "4. Re-imagine what a fulfilling life
looks like."
- The World's Happiest Man? - Matthieu Ricard
(Wiki),
a 69 year-old Tibetan monk (in 2016), formerly
a microbiologist at the Pasteur Institute in
France, has recorded a TED
talk you can listen to; and it has a transcript
which you can use to follow along if (like me)
reading while listening helps you understand.
He talks of mind training (often characterized
as meditation by some) that, at its essence,
will "... determine the quality of every
instant of our lives." Here are some quotes
from the transcript. For those seeking
happiness, this man's findings may be a
very important input.
- "... there is a possibility for change
because all emotions are fleeting. That is
the ground for mind training. Mind training
is based on the idea that two opposite
mental factors cannot happen at the same
time. You could go from love to hate. But
you cannot, at the same time, toward the
same object, the same person, want to harm
and want to do good. You cannot, in the same
gesture, shake hand and give a blow. So,
there are natural antidotes to emotions that
are destructive to our inner well-being. So
that's the way to proceed. Rejoicing
compared to jealousy. A kind of sense of
inner freedom as opposite to intense
grasping and obsession. Benevolence, loving
kindness against hatred."
- And "... if you look at the thought of
anger, it will vanish like frost under the
morning sun. If you do this again and again,
the propensity, the tendencies for anger to
arise again will be less and less each time
you dissolve it. And, at the end, although
it may rise, it will just cross the mind,
like a bird crossing the sky without leaving
any track. So this is the principal of mind
training."
- And "... mind training matters. That
this is not just a luxury. This is not a
supplementary vitamin for the soul. This
is something that's going to determine the
quality of every instant of our lives."
- Here are "3
Signs You Will Be Fine (Even If You Don’t
Feel Fine Right Now)" to help you focus
on the here and now, and avoid being a
prisoner of the past (past failure, past
unfair treatment, past misfortune, etc.)
Things change. When they are bad, they get
better in a while. Every time it rains, it
stops raining. "People all over the world are
constantly telling their one heartbreaking
story, about how their entire life has turned
into an exercise in coping with one particular
unfair event from the past. Every
present opportunity they have is then burned
at the stake to fuel a fiery obsession with
something that can’t be changed. The key
is to realize that YOU don’t have to be one
of these people."
.
Notes on "Make and Practice
a Stress-free Morning Routine ..." ....
- The things you do and think about first
thing when you wake up will set the tone
for the day in ways you might not have
predicted accurately. Focus on stress-free
activities and thoughts, ... all
before you even peek at your
phone, tablet, laptop or TV. It puts you
in a pro-active rather than reactive mode.
Those who are faith-inspired will
recognize this advice that spiritual
advisers have been suggesting for
centuries: morning prayer,
meditation and scripture study where all
of the emphasis is on the long term and
important stuff as opposed to the shorter
term, immediate and sometimes seemingly
very urgent stuff of the moment. But the
faith component is unimportant to the
outcome: it is all about the first things
you focus on, and their
deliberately-chosen stress-free nature.
Try including listing three things you
are thankful for, do some mild
stretching or exercising, listen to
favorite music (or sing it yourself),
meditate over a sunrise, smile
at yourself in the mirror. All of
these morning rituals are personal things
that will vary for each individual. It
will be very much worth your while to
select elements of a morning routine that
you find work well for you, ... maybe just
for you, ... and change them up when
needed for continuing effectiveness and
satisfaction.
- Here are some quick suggested articles
for starters, ... or just google "morning
rituals" for a current list. There are many
available.
- 11
Morning Rituals That Can Change Your
Life -- "Your morning
can be that make-or-break time that sets
you up for a good day or a bad day. Here
are 11 habits you can establish that
will put you on the path of stringing
together good day after good day."
- 5
Morning Rituals to Keep You Productive
All Day Long --
Exercise for 7 minutes, start green,
pick three wins for the day, ...
- Do
You Have A Morning Ritual?
-- "A morning ritual is entirely
about you. Sure, you’ll have to deal
with other people at some point in your
morning. If you’re lucky, you’ll get at
least a few minutes of time just for
you. This is your chance to center
yourself and embrace your day instead of
fleeing before it."
- 7
Morning Rituals That Will Change Your
Life -- "What began as
a way to get some extra time and maybe
feel a little more balanced quickly
turned into one of the single best
decisions of my life. ... my new
schedule, ... made me feel great. I felt
more alert during the day, my mind felt
clearer and more at ease, and the
quality of the time I got to myself was
much greater." Also: "I learned that
what you do when you first wake up in
the morning is a firm indicator of not
only the quality of the day you’re going
to have, but by extension, the quality
of your entire life. Committing to a few
positive morning rituals each day can
absolutely change your life in just
about every way imaginable."
- Sean Kim's "Complete
Guide to Designing Your Morning
Routines to Double Your Productivity"
contains several examples of what some
individuals do in the morning that help
get them ready for a more proactive and
productive day.
- Marc Chernoff posts "31
Morning Journaling Prompts that Will
Change the Way You Think,"
which contains lots of good ideas about
reading and writing for just 10 minutes
in the morning, complete with 31 concise
examples which will surely get you
started if this idea appeals to your
inner Journal keeper. You might be
surprised to learn how effective writing
is in focusing your thinking processes.
- The Barking
Up The Wrong Tree blog (about)
posts The
7 Step Morning Ritual That Will Make
You Happy All Day.
"We read a lot about this or that
morning ritual that will make you
productive. But what about one that
makes you happy? Research shows that
being happy actually makes you more
productive. So let’s kill two birds with
one stone and focus on smiles. What’s
the first step? Here’s a little secret:
happy mornings don’t start in the
morning …" Barking
... also posts This
Is The Best Way To Motivate Yourself
To Exercise: 4 Proven Secrets,
which has a section dealing with how
exercise habits positively affect
happiness and freedom from depression.
"Exercise is as effective in treating
depression as antidepressants. And if
that ain’t enough, people who exercised
had a lower relapse rate than those
taking meds. ... After four months, all
three groups experienced similar
improvements in happiness. The very fact
that exercise proved just as helpful as
anti-depressants is remarkable, but the
story doesn’t end here. The groups were
then tested six months later to assess
their relapse rate. Of those who had
taken the medication alone, 38 percent
had slipped back into depression. Those
in the combination group were doing only
slightly better, with a 31 percent
relapse rate. The biggest shock, though,
came from the exercise group: Their
relapse rate was only 9 percent!"
- The
One Thing Shark Tank’s Daymond John
Does Every Morning to Reduce Stress,
... He's taken charge of his
relationship with technology. (Spoiler
alert: it is something he DOESN'T do
that is important. He stays off social
media and email to start his day).
- And do the same thing for an evening
routine (a good morning starts the night
before). Here are some example articles;
or just google "evening rituals" for a
current list.
.
.
Notes
on "Practice regular meditation, ..." ...
- There are many forms of meditation. In its
simplest form, we find a quiet place, sit
comfortably and close our eyes.
- We focus on reciting some mantra such as
"the bubbling brook runs onward," or simply
pay attention to our breathing. Anything
peaceful will do.
- The focus item itself is unimportant; the
idea here is to have something to focus on,
and to come back to as other thoughts melt
away.
- When these other thoughts come, we
neither resist them nor encourage them. We
just take note of them, and let them fade.
- Momentary focus on our mantra or our
breathing help in stilling our minds.
- The idea is for your conscious mind to be
focusing on itself (or its own agenda) or on
some inner sources.
- As the activities of the world around us
fade, and this consciousness of self
ascends, inner peace, joy and happiness come
to the fore.
- Everyone experiences something different.
But virtually all report greater peace and
serenity, lowered stress levels, etc., both
during their meditation sessions and
afterward.
- Find a method that suits you; and make it a
regular part of your daily routine. Marci
Shimoff (above)
says that meditation, more than any other
single practice brought inner happiness and
joy into her life.
- Many Internet-based and other sources for
beginners are freely available. Just Google
"meditation for beginners" or "meditation for
dummies" and include the quotation marks in
both cases. There are some tens of thousands
of websites with these contents. Wiley's {they
sell books, of course} post well-written pages
"Discovering What Meditation
Is All About," "Figuring Out How to Breathe
Meditatively" and "Making Meditation a Part of
Your Life" that will give you some
starting ideas. All these are adapted from
their book, Meditation For Dummies,
and are freely available on the Internet
without buying anything.
- Meditation requires no resources, no
company, no equipment, and your eyes don't
even have to be open or focused. You can learn
to do it anytime, anywhere to bring peace and
serenity into your consciousness. Use it in
the line-up at the bank: change from stress,
frustration and impatience to calm, quiet
tranquility.
- Tolle points
out that the momentary focus on your
breathing, for example, and doing it many
times a day is far more important than how
long you do it at a sitting. A few seconds
often every day will do it, he says [A New
Earth, pp. 243-46]. Over the long run,
you will adjust the length of each session
automatically to your own individual best
duration. For the spiritually inclined, he
points out the spiritual component of the
breath by quoting from Genesis 2:7 - "And the
Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground,
and breathed into his nostrils the breath of
life; and man became a living soul." He also
points out that "breathing" in Sanskrit and
German have their origins in "the indwelling
divine spirit" or "God within." That resonated
with my own Christian beliefs.
- As Drs. Aggie Casey and Herbert Benson put
it in Mind Your Heart: A Mind/Body
Approach To Stress Management, Exercise And
Nutrition For Heart Health, “your mind
quiets and negative thoughts fade as you focus
on your body,” or your breathing; and “if you
quiet the body, you can calm the mind.”
- The World's Happiest Man? - Matthieu Ricard
(Wiki),
a 69 year-old Tibetan monk (in 2016), formerly
a microbiologist at the Pasteur Institute in
France, has posted a very helpful introductory
article "Beginning
Meditation;" and he has
recorded a TED
talk you can listen to; and it has a transcript
which you can use to follow along if (like me)
reading while listening helps you understand.
He talks of mind training (often characterized
as meditation by some) that, at its essence,
will "... determine the quality of every
instant of our lives." Here are some quotes
from the transcript. For those seeking
happiness, this man's findings may be a
very important input.
- "... there is a possibility for change
because all emotions are fleeting. That is
the ground for mind training. Mind training
is based on the idea that two opposite
mental factors cannot happen at the same
time. You could go from love to hate. But
you cannot, at the same time, toward the
same object, the same person, want to harm
and want to do good. You cannot, in the same
gesture, shake hand and give a blow. So,
there are natural antidotes to emotions that
are destructive to our inner well-being. So
that's the way to proceed. Rejoicing
compared to jealousy. A kind of sense of
inner freedom as opposite to intense
grasping and obsession. Benevolence, loving
kindness against hatred."
- And "... if you look at the thought of
anger, it will vanish like frost under the
morning sun. If you do this again and again,
the propensity, the tendencies for anger to
arise again will be less and less each time
you dissolve it. And, at the end, although
it may rise, it will just cross the mind,
like a bird crossing the sky without leaving
any track. So this is the principal of mind
training."
- And "... mind training matters. That
this is not just a luxury. This is not a
supplementary vitamin for the soul. This
is something that's going to determine the
quality of every instant of our lives."
.
.
Notes
on "Do things when they need to be done - avoid
procrastination ..."
- The stress and anxiety you develop as the
due date hangs over your head can displace
your happiness. Shanel Yang's excellent piece,
"Get a Handle on Procrastination" is very
helpful in understanding procrastination.
Shanel gives her experience in overcoming it
in five steps. Shanel also recommends Eat
That Frog by Brian Tracy (a book that
gives 21 tips to stop procrastinating).
- Shanel's conclusion to "Get a Handle on
Procrastination" is exceptionally good: "Imagine you’ve done all your
big projects early, you have plenty of
time to get the rest done without rushing,
and you enjoy all your free time 100%
guilt-free! I can tell you that feeling is
totally addictive. You’ll crave as
much as you can get as soon as you’ve had
a taste of it." Very
motivating.
- Many researchers speak of the ill effects
of procrastination on happiness. Perfectionism
is also a part of it for some people. See note on
perfectionism, immediately below.
- Procrastination can become a habit that
makes it much easier to put things off
the next time. Soon, you become a
procrastinator. It will take effort, but the
investment in breaking this cycle will pay off
over and over again throughout your lifetime.
.
.
Notes
on "Regulate your appetites and passions (and
even your perfectionism)." ...
- Some people suffer from perfectionism and
do not know it. They have high standards; but
they do not have sufficient exposure to the
situations of others to recognize the
perfectionism in their high standards. High
standards are often a very good idea;
sometimes they are essential. But if they are
unrealistic, unattainable or unnecessary, they
serve only to keep these people from enjoying
the fulfilling satisfaction of doing something
very well, or of delivering an excellent
result in the grand scheme of things (and when
compared to what many others accomplish). By
acknowledging their perfectionism, they can
regain the satisfaction of a job well done,
and temper their rigid and over-idealized
goals, sometimes without even taming the
perfectionism by much. When perfection is the
only goal sought after, anything less is often
then viewed as failure. The silver medal
winner is the second best at something in the
whole world. How can that realistically (or
profitably) be viewed as failure?
- This perfectionism is something to
watch for. Sometimes it can just creep into
your thinking without your noticing it. As
mentioned above, a
very interesting article deals with
making a habit of broadening
your outlook, which can lead to MUCH
greater advancement in gaining
happiness, well-being and success. "The
2 Mental Shifts Highly Successful
People Make" will
give you some insights. He quotes Stephen
R. Covey in several places, and
a number of other good sources. This
idea has the potential to change your
life in important ways, not just
increased happiness. The author makes
an interesting assertion about persons
who have enjoyed early success: "They
become perfectionist and
paralyzed. They fear their best work
is behind them." If you reflect on it,
do you see perfectionism creeping into
your thinking as you battle through
some of your adversities, especially
the ones that seem to be keeping you
from attaining the happiness and joy
you seek? The mental shifts in this
article may be helpful in dealing with
your creeping perfectionism, and help
you with the happiness you seek.
- Another very
helpful article from Thrive (about)
entitled "The
Hidden Cost of Perfectionism at
Work," provides some
strong insights. Here are a few
quotes:
- "In the
1940s and 50s, Maria Callas became
one of classical music’s
best-selling vocalists and today is
still considered by many to be the
greatest operatic soprano of all
time. Yet this diva’s career became
an example of how striving for
perfection can eat away at
excellence. Callas developed a
“perfectionism that grew ever more
fierce,” reported the Washington
Post. The soprano pushed herself to
be flawless at the expense of her
health and relationships, at work
and outside, and her physical and
mental health began suffering.
Callas’s expectations of perfection
weighed so heavily that she
eventually had a hard time singing,
leading her to put strain on herself
and everyone around her. In
recapping her career, she said, “I
never lost my voice, but . . . I
lost my courage.”"
- A research
team "analyzed data from more than
forty thousand college students,
showing that the majority had
significantly higher scores than
previous generations on measures of:
irrational personal desire to never
fail; perceiving excessive
expectations from others; and
placing unrealistic standards on
those around them."
- "There is
plenty of research to suggest that
social media is contributing to this
rising fear of failure, pressuring
young adults especially to compare
their own work achievements to their
peers’. We see this with students
who worry about achieving high
marks, where motivation is driven by
fears of negative outcomes."
- "... a few
methods we’ve found in our
leadership coaching practice that
are helpful in leading those with
perfectionist tendencies."
- "Method
1: Clarify What Good Enough Is--We
know that most managers have no
desire to handhold their people,
and they rightfully worry about
micromanaging, but with employees
who tend toward perfectionism it’s
important to guide them clearly
through the standards they are
looking for."
- "Method
2: Be Open About Your Own
Missteps"
- "Method
3: Treat Failures as Learning
Opportunities--"Let’s have a
productive discussion [without
blaming or finger-pointing] about
how we go forward to learn and get
better.” What followed was an hour
spent brainstorming about
potential investments that could
help them learn from the setback."
- "Method
4: Regularly Check in on Progress"
- There is another component here, too: be
content with what you have (or can get). Don't
be cynical or sarcastic about it. Rather, look
for the good (even the delightful) in what is
present or achievable, rather than what is
missing or impossible for you to achieve.
Then, be thankful for it, enjoy it and derive
happiness from it. The happiness benefit comes
only from how you look at it. There is no work
or effort about it at all.
- See also the 6th Fundamental of Fordyce and an article
by Gretchen Rubin (notes,
above), Lower The Bar (both of
which contain comments on the pitfalls of
goal-based happiness). Both acknowledge that
it is controversial; yet both offer some very
compelling evidence from their research and
that of others. Don't let your expectations
for the future get in the way of enjoying life
for what it is
just now. Just think of it as "clearing away
hurdles." And don't bypass happiness
that does derive from accomplishment
either. It can be significant. The thing to
avoid here is depending on your expectations
concerning the future to deliver
happiness. It can backfire more often than it
delivers.
- The regulation of appetites and passions is
part of the wider dictum of the ages: "live a
life of virtue." The ancients were right when
they emphasized honor, kindness, virtue, right
living, honesty, goodwill, temperance,
prudence, etc. If you are living a pretense or
saying one thing while doing another,
happiness will elude you no matter what
practices and techniques you bring to your
endeavor. As Einstein reportedly observed,
"The significant problems we face cannot be
solved at the same level of thinking we were
at when we created them." Be sure to also
consider this bigger picture in your quest for
greater peace and happiness. Ensure that you
are cultivating your seeds of technique and
practice in the soil and sunshine of right
living. The Buddhists teach it as the Noble
Eightfold Path (right understanding, right
thought, right speech, right action, right
livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness
and right concentration). And Covey teaches similar
prerequisite underlying principles (fairness,
integrity, honesty, human dignity) for success
in life, in business and in personal
happiness.
- Take a peek at Gretchen Rubin's (see notes, above)
short article "Why
and How I Quit Sugar." There are
lots of reasons to quit or reduce the amounts
of sugar we eat. This is an abbreviated
description of what worked for her,
recognizing that there is not a
one-size-fits-all solution that works for
everybody, or even that has the same benefits
for everybody. But she feels better and
happier having decided to quit sugar
altogether, and gives hints on ways to
approach diet and other changes for people
with other tendencies. It is a
thought-provoking piece that will be helpful
for some people, maybe you. For a tonne more
articles on how sugar consumption can be
related to happiness in different ways for
different people, just Google "sugar and
happiness" (without the quotes). Perhaps there
is something there that will work wonders for
you in your quest for greater happiness and
joy.
- The TED podcast and transcript "Breaking
Up with [your] Perfectionism" provides
helpful ideas in learning about your
perfectionism, identifying it, and curbing its
adverse effects. Focusing on making headway to
an attainable standard, using your mistakes
and failures as focal points for learning and
advancing can be more helpful than aiming for
unattainable perfection, especially in
sporting and other endeavors where measurement
has a scale containing "perfection" as the end
point.
.
.
Notes
on "Be thankful and grateful for, and content
with what you have." ...
- When you are thinking "I feel so angry I
can't think of a single thing to be thankful
for" or "My life is a cesspool" find some
glimmer of brightness somewhere in the day.
For example ...
- the sun shone,
- somebody smiled,
- it didn't snow (or it didn't snow that
much),
- the bus did not run over me at the
stop,
- I was able to sit erect for
breakfast,
- modern medical technology is
wonderful,
- watching a waterfall is so restful,
- the birds are singing outside my window;
I can sing too,
- the cedar forest smells so good,
especially after the rain,
- I am free to choose what I think
about,
- my youngster looks so peaceful when he's
asleep,
- that baby kitten is so cute, ...
...
- I learned to read and write,
- I can appreciate a large range of items of
beauty: sunrises, meadows, gardens, a puppy,
... ...
- my bed is comfortable,
- that class of kindergartners on a field
trip is so full of energy, enthusiasm and
adventure,
- indoor plumbing is such a great
convenience,
- watching a baby's first steps brings such
joy,
- my immune system takes care of lots of
risks and discomforts all by itself,
The list is endless. Write them down. Review and
add to them sometimes.
.
You will be surprised that when you find a
single thing that was positive or helpful
(especially if you write it down), your brain
will start to think of others much more easily.
And some will be humorous, which itself will
help. Soon you will fill the page. Do this
especially just before bed time. This allows you
to go to sleep on a more positive note.
- Note also that pleasant experiences need
a little nudge to set them into our memories
as effectively as the hurtful experiences
seem to set themselves naturally. See the
note on dwelling
on pleasant experiences below, under
the Optimism notes.
.
- This "attitude of gratitude" can become
infectious. You may find yourself wanting to
get into that "counting my blessings" frame of
mind. Not only does it make you feel better at
the moment, but it is also healing you and
helping you along the road to more frequent
and longer-lasting happiness. Here are a very
few example blessings you may want to think
about (in case you need help getting started):
family, music, sunrises,
sunsets, rain, health, medicine (medical
technology, know-how), food, TV, personal
computers, tablets, smart phones, indoor
plumbing, transportation, central heat, the
Internet, reading/writing/arithmetic (public
education and personal learning), democracy,
freedom, freedom to think/act/believe,
microwave ovens, telephones, warm
house/clothes/bed, photography,
roads/sidewalks, tools and knowing how to
use them, pets and other animals, soil and
growing things, national defense and police
forces, employment, voluntary service,
having a choice about what to eat for
dinner, seeing, hearing, touching, laughing,
walking, ... ...
.
- In these practices (forgiveness, goodwill
and loving kindness, as with many of the
others) you are not changing any of the
reality you are facing, you are just changing
your focus. Some people are simply not able to
have any pleasant thoughts about some events
or people. The suggestion here is to focus
these concepts and practices first toward
yourself, then on members of your family and
close friends. With these groups you will
often be more successful. Then, as you feel
better, focus on acquaintances, neighbors,
humanity in general, and finally extend these
thoughts to your enemies when you feel ready.
- If you cannot muster personal contact,
think in a kindly and loving way about
somebody you like, or an event that was
pleasant, then expand to others.
- Say a prayer in their behalf, express
gratitude, and request a divine blessing if
you are spiritually inclined.
- Remember that you are not condoning the
bad actions of your enemies, letting them off
in any sense, or even thinking about
letting them back into your life. You are
just "letting go" [see also
the notes on
the "Let go of ... baggage" item] to help yourself.
.
- The Happy for No Reason workbook
(link above)
contains headings and helpful exercises
concerning all these practices. Remember
Marci's note: "What you appreciate,
appreciates."
.
- Arianna
Huffington has posted on Thrive
Global (about)
a gem of wisdom about thankfulness: "The
Small Miracle of Gratitude: There’s
practically nothing it can’t do." In
this short but delightful piece, she points
out [my emphasis] the following: "When you
find yourself in that
stop-the-world-I-want-to-get-off mindset,
gratitude is the brake lever. Gratitude helps
us reset and gives us perspective. We think of
gratitude as a coda, an add-on, something that
comes at the end. But in fact, gratitude is
the beginning. And when we practice it, it
sets off a chain reaction of positive
benefits." She also quotes the results
of a powerful practice that anybody can
implement: “intentionally bringing into
awareness the tiny, previously unnoticed
elements of the day” and "take time to feel
it." It is definitely worth the small time
investment to focus for a moment on this one.
It also includes links to the reference
sources for further enlightenment. Thank you,
Arianna.
- Arianna has also posted "My
Word of the Year: 'Resilience'." We
often think of resilience as a "bouncing
back" from some adversity; but Arianna
points out that "the key part of resilience
isn’t about bouncing back, it’s about
bouncing forward. It’s about using adversity
as a catalyst to get better and become
stronger." It is worth the read, in my
opinion, for a more balanced perspective on
adversity in general, and the pandemic in
particular.
- And Bryan Robinson, also at Thrive
Global (about)
has posted "How
to Move Forward After Experiencing a
Setback." He points out that "When we
confront our mistakes and embrace them, we
can use our moments of disappointment to
propel us forward."
- And in a similar vein, Selda Koydemir has
posted on Psyche "How
to be resilient," where resilience is
"the ability to navigate successfully
through, and recover from, stressful
circumstances or crisis situations, and to
do so in a way that leads to healthy
functioning over time."
- Kristin
Wong posts on Lifehacker
(about)
a tome titled, "Why
Gratitude Makes You a Happier Person."
She cites sections on How to Harness
Gratitude, Change Your State of Mind with a
Gratitude Session, Gratitude Makes You
Resilient, Gratitude Improves Your
Relationships, Gratitude Makes You Feel More
in Control, and others. It is an easy read
with many good ideas to help you use gratitude
in helping increase your happiness.
- Gregory Ciotti (other
articles) at Help
Scout (about)
has posted "The
Psychological Benefits of Writing"
which focuses on the benefits of writing these
things down. His sections Writing and
happiness, Writing and handling hard times,
Writing and gratitude, Writing and your
“mental tabs”, Writing and learning and
Writing as leadership at scale provide a
helpful context about how happiness can be
derived merely through the practice of writing
about an event, condition or circumstance.
- Be glad and thankful that you are as happy
as you are. By paying attention to it, your
happiness increases. As you pay attention to
the positive in the present, you experience
greater happiness and diminish the hold that
past mistreatment (or fear of future
mistreatment) might otherwise have. Don't
spend any time focusing on what you do not
want (misery and unhappiness); rather, focus
on what you do want (happiness,
contentment and joy). What you focus on is
what you get more of; and what you ignore is
what diminishes. Also ask, "What can I learn
from this?" And count it as a blessing
(opportunity to learn and to become a better
person). Move on at the higher level of
happiness.
- MIT posts a video Gratitude@MIT
which, though aimed at Engineers, has wide
applicability. It is only 3:12. Definitely
worth a stop when you have three minutes to
devote to something worthwhile. The video
provides concrete steps anybody can take as
starting points on a journey to greater
happiness and joy through a gratitude mindset.
- Take a peek at this Guardian
piece by Moya
Sarner (her
other articles): "Is
gratitude the secret of happiness? I spent a
month finding out." Moya starts out by
lamenting the "formalised, prescribed and
premeditated gratitude" of being sat down by a
parent to write a bunch of thank you notes to
her benefactors as a child after receiving
birthday gifts. But she saw benefits after
trying to express gratitude in her diary about
other things when she did it on her own. She
cites lots of helpful examples others found in
simply focusing on the more positive aspects
of life rather than the more negative ones.
She does not mention it specifically, but my
own view was that it was the balancing
of the negative with the positive that helped
them.
- Another helpful piece has been posted by Greater
Good Magazine (about):
"How
Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain,"
by Joshua Brown and Joel Wong. Among other
activities, they worked with college students
suggesting they write gratitude letters to
people who had helped them. An interesting
finding was that the gratitude letters were a
helpful exercise, even if they never actually
sent them.
.
- The Slate
article "The
Grim Secret of Nordic Happiness" points
out that a balanced view is also helpful. It
is all about being "well enough off" and not a
lot worse off than others. If you can think of
yourself as that well off or that
happy, and do it with at least a little sense
of gratitude, then you are part way there,
even though your situation and circumstances
have not changed otherwise.
- - Additional
notes on Thankfulness and Gratitude.
- Gratitude (as an attitude or frame of
mind, either expressed or not) is almost a
subject by itself: both as a principle for
life guidance, and as a potential remedy for
sadness and depression (and even other
opposites like entitlement, envy and
resentment). This section contains a further
reading list of articles on the benefits,
the alternative methods that can be
employed, the whys and wherefores of
focusing your thinking on it, gratitude's
different aspects and many more ideas and
concepts. There is even an article that
points out how selfish it is to use
gratitude to improve your own mood [and
writers who also complained about that].
Most of what is on this page elsewhere
focuses on how balancing your otherwise more
negative thoughts with some kind and
generous (and thankful) thoughts can be
helpful. The note on selfishness is not
entirely specious; rather it might be looked
at as something like balancing the
balancing. Everything has its downsides,
drawbacks, counterpoints, excesses and
superficialities, of course. And this list
of articles is intended to help you to
broaden your focus on thankfulness as a
state of mind (independent of its benefits
and/or costs), and perhaps as a starting
point for bolstering your mental health and
for further research in areas that strike you
as promising. This whole business of looking
for happiness, contentment and joy is a
highly individual thing, after all. What
works for some may not work as well [or at
all] for others. Since it is your
happiness we are working toward, it is the
ideas that capture your imagination
as being potentially helpful that will
likely be most fruitful in that quest.
- "I
skeptically tried practicing gratitude. It
completely changed my life."
- "Supported by solid research and
ultimately confirmed by numerous
longer-term studies, the field [positive
psychology] had burgeoned by the time I
learned about it. "The gratitude thing,"
as I had called it, was but one small and
simple element of the practice. Kind of
like training the brain to focus on joy,
my friend Heidi explained. "It's only a
week," she urged. "Try it." I did. And
guess what? It worked. Every day for a
week, I found five distinct things for
which I was thankful. They had to be
different every day. I couldn't get away
with just being grateful for my wonderful
husband. But I could, suggested Collie
Conoley, another colleague and noted
positive psychologist, express my
gratitude for specific aspects of a
certain person each day."
- "How
Writing 365 Thank-You Notes Helped Me
Reconnect with What’s Important in My Life."
- "Writing the notes wasn’t all that
time-consuming: Each was two or three
sentences long, taking just a few minutes
to compose. I focused on the person I was
writing to and what I wanted to say, and
the words came fairly easily. I quickly
learned I couldn’t do it while listening
to a podcast or toggling between articles.
That focus felt refreshing. It was good
for my brain, which had been trained to
wander, alighting on this feed or that
e-mail, darting from app to app. It felt
meditative to look at a blank white space
with a pen in my hand, thinking about a
person and the way he or she had helped
me."
- "The
Secret to Writing a Truly Heartfelt
Thank-You Note."
- Received a present? Consider a thank-you
note mandatory. There is no substitute for
this one. You do not get a pass if you
didn’t ask for the gift, if you don’t like
the gift, or if you said, “Hey, thanks,”
when it was handed to you. Be concise but
specific. The note doesn’t have to be long
(three or four sentences is just fine),
..., and your appreciation for the
sender’s time, effort, and thoughtfulness.
Make your thank-you note authentic. And
what you write must sound like you. Saying
that the serving piece is “absolutely
stunning” when words like that have never
crossed your lips will come across as
insincere, says Anna Post of the Emily
Post Institute. Try to use the same tone
as you would to the reader in person. Make
the reader feel special. Addressing your
appreciation for the sender him or herself
will have a powerful effect on someone you
care about (“I feel so lucky to have a
friend like you.”) ... ...
- "7
Daily Habits of Naturally Grateful People."
- They pay attention, They do more than
just count their blessings. They spread
the love. They keep a journal. They see
the good in others. They slow down. They
teach the habit to their kids.
- "4
Small Ways to Practice Gratitude Every Day."
- "... What you’re likely not as familiar
with is the impressive body of research
suggesting gratitude—as an emotional
experience, a character trait, and a
practice—is associated with a wide array
of improvements in mental health and
well-being."
- "... the people who practiced gratitude
had “evident differences” in many
self-reported measures of mental health
and well-being, like happiness, life
satisfaction, grateful mood, grateful
disposition, positive affect, depression,
optimism, and quality of relationships."
- "The
Healing Powers of Gratitude."
- "As we’ll look at in depth, gratitude is
something that can exist “alongside the
very real and understandable negative
emotions that most of us are experiencing
right now,” not in place of them,
Moskowitz says. In fact, gratitude may
help us better weather and recover from
these hard times."
- "Use
Gratitude to Counter Stress and
Uncertainty."
- "... Gratitude is an emotion that
grounds us and is a great way to balance
out the negative mindset that uncertainty
engenders, ..."
- "Think of your mind like your digestive
system — what you put in it impacts how
you feel. When you flood your mind with a
constant flow of worry, envy, resentment,
and self-criticism (compounded by a
barrage of news and other media) it
negatively impacts you. ..."
- "... When we take time to focus on what
we are grateful for, we choose positive
emotions over negative, thus we take steps
to nurture our mental health and
wellbeing."
- "How do we trigger gratitude in
ourselves? It’s simple. We take time
to shift our focus."
- "When you find yourself stuck in a
constant state of worry, or hyper focused
on what is not working around you, try to
pause for a second and ask yourself one or
two of the following questions. What have
I gotten to learn recently that has helped
me grow?", etc.
- "By taking time to write down
our answers, we consciously redirect our
attention to that which we are grateful
for ..." When we write we use
different brain circuits than we use when
we think about something, or discuss it
with others [or, verbalize it with
ourselves. See "Talking
out loud to yourself is a technology
for thinking." See also "On
the Gradual Formation of Thoughts
During Speech."]. This can
give us added helpful perspective.
- "If we want to be able to keep running
in this race with no clear finish line [as
with facing the current Covid pandemic],
we need to learn to take better care of
the runner. Although there is no one
solution, learning to trigger gratitude
may help us cope along the way."
- "Why
Gratitude Is Good."
- "Gratitude journals and other gratitude
practices often seem so simple and basic;
in our studies, we often have people keep
gratitude journals for just three weeks.
And yet the results have been
overwhelming. We’ve studied more than one
thousand people, from ages eight to 80,
and found that people who practice
gratitude consistently report a host of
benefits: ... " <big long list>
- For parents: "How
to Raise Grateful Kids in an Era of
Thankless People."
- We've all been here: "On a Saturday
afternoon, you take your three kids to a
movie they’ve wanted to see, then to their
favorite hamburger spot for dinner,
followed by ice cream. When they get home,
they want to watch a movie on Netflix.
When you tell them you think they’ve had
enough screen time for the day and you’d
like them to do something else, they
complain that they have nothing to do."
- It can seem a bit contrived, but often
it brings enjoyment with practice:
"Appreciate family members. Find the
natural opportunities in family life to
express appreciation. In our family we
would sometimes start dinner or a family
meeting with a round of “appreciations.”
Each of us would express our appreciation
for whatever other family members had done
for us that week ... . It didn’t take long
but always produced a lot of good
feelings."
- "How
to make gratitude a way of life."
- "There are many ways to cultivate a
disposition of thankfulness. One is to
make a habit of giving thanks regularly—at
the beginning of the day, at meals and the
like, and at day’s end. Likewise,
holidays, weeks, seasons, and years can be
punctuated with thanks—grateful prayer or
meditation, writing thank-you notes,
keeping a gratitude journal, and
consciously seeking out the blessings in
situations as they arise."
- "How
Cultural Differences Shape Your Gratitude."
- "Americans tend to be very
individualistic, in contrast with
collectivist cultures that put much more
emphasis on the social group. This is an
important distinction, because (despite
their underrepresentation in gratitude
research) 85 percent of the world’s
population lives in cultures that
researchers deem as more collectivist. In
such cultures, people put greater emphasis
on harmony and honoring others—values that
would support the connective gratitude we
see more in China and South Korea, which
pays back kindness with things others
might actually want. In fact, one study
found that the more respect Chinese
children show to parents, the more
grateful they are."
- "Choose
to Be Grateful. It Will Make You Happier."
- "The psychologist Martin Seligman,
father of the field known as “positive
psychology,” gives some practical
suggestions on how to do this. In his best
seller “Authentic Happiness,” he
recommends that readers systematically
express gratitude in letters to loved ones
and colleagues. A disciplined way to put
this into practice is to make it as
routine as morning coffee. Write two short
emails each morning to friends, family or
colleagues, thanking them for what they
do."
- Authors and contributors in the articles "The
Selfish Side of Gratitude" and "Two
Sides of Gratitude" point out that
there is more to expressing your feelings of
thankfulness than a thoughtful 'thank you'
note. They speak of the value (and benefit)
of actually doing something [yourself] to
make things better is also a part of it. And
that is always a helpful thought to keep in
mind, of course. In my own view, though, it
needn't keep us from doing the 'thank you'
note part of it by itself, if that is what
we are up to today.
.
.
Notes
on "For those who are faith inspired, ..."
- These faith-inspired and
spiritually-centered beliefs and practices are
very powerful; but it apparently does not
matter what they are in detail. It is the
strength with which they are held that makes
them effective in helping people feel the
happiness they are seeking. The point here is
that although research does not identify any
specific beliefs as being more helpful than
others; searching out, learning about and
practicing your deeply-held beliefs has great
potential to help you to achieve greater
happiness. Joining a study group at your
church, mosque, temple, mandir, synagogue or
other meeting place [or electronic forum] can
be a big help with these questions; and the
social interaction and new friendships among
like-minded people can only be helpful in your
happiness quest also.
- Zat Rana has posted a very interesting
piece for those with a spiritual side, but
who are a bit leery of the failings of
organized institutional religious tradition
and dogma. Its title is "Why
Everybody Needs a Personal Religion."
If you just Google "Personal Religion" there
are a great many more. The significant point
here is that everybody already has their own
personal religion, be it some form of
agnosticism or even atheism, or just their
own unique understanding of some
already-named religion in which they
participate, sometimes one with a very long
history, and sometimes even one with a very
large number of adherents, including all the
ones which make claims to being the only
true one. If you ask any two adherents of
any religion about their beliefs, you get at
least two different answers. For
sure, the main point here is the inner peace
and tranquility that you derive from
deeply-pursued and deeply-held values and
beliefs, and on which you can rely in your
life's quests. Having your own personal
religion can bring you all those benefits
with none of the costs of trying to shoehorn
yourself into some pre-defined space. The
result can be a BIG boost to your personal
happiness, inner peace and joy.
- Thomas Moore has written A Religion of
One’s Own: A Guide to Creating a Personal
Spirituality in a Secular World (review),
a three-part interview about which provides
a good summary (Part
1, Part
2 and Part
3). Moore emphasizes the worth of
holding a personalized view of these
deeply-pursued and deeply-held values and
beliefs. Says he: "... we all need various
forms of transcendence. That’s the whole
thrust of Buddhism; Christianity is all
about transcending a narcissistic way of
life through love of one’s neighbor; and the
Sufi poets suggest finding divinity wherever
you turn." In terms of expanding our view of
religion, he also says "When we look with
different eyes and see the sacred where it’s
normally not seen, for example, we can see
that a farmer who never goes to church, who
doesn’t believe in God or talk about “holy
this or holy that,” who watches television
and reads the newspaper (like my uncle did)
and who spends his time outside tending
animals, growing things in the fields and
watching the weather, can be more spiritual
than someone who goes to church. So in that
sense, my uncle is a very good model of a
person who is religious, but who doesn’t
look religious. The Catholic Church may have
a wafer of bread—but the farmer’s got the
wheat."
- Covey says that humility
is the mother of all virtues. By
subjecting ourselves to the principles which
will govern the outcome, we will be able to
make better choices than simply saying "just
do it my way," or "I am going to do
this my way, no matter what."
- Vickey Pahnke Taylor's Goodness Matters
website {Christian themes} offers articles
along with inspirational thoughts. They also
sell books, CDs, etc.
- "An Overview of
Loving-kindness Meditation" is posted
at Buddhanet.net with
other helpful information and suggestions.
- The May You Be Blessed
website offers a very pleasant 4 1/2 min
movie with lots of pretty photos. It is very
relaxing and uplifting.
- The Joy Movie is similar.
Very pleasant.
- The 7 1/2 min video The Gentle Art of
Blessing provides notes on
leaving a mental blessing on all those you
encounter and pass in life. It is a very
relaxing and enjoyable few minutes, with
pleasant scenes, music, and etc.
.
- For those who are faith inspired, have
perhaps been raised to avoid sexually-related
topics growing up, and are looking for
reliable information about lovemaking that is
consistent with Christian religious thought,
an active Latter-day Saint couple has writen a
tasteful and frank discussion that is very
helpful and long overdue: "And It Was
Very Good: A Latter-day Saint’s Guide to
Lovemaking."
.
.
.
Notes
on "Optimism ... may be the most important attitude
leading to increased happiness. ..."
- Optimism as an attitude or
mindset, shares the "perhaps most
important" designation with Social
interaction, as an activity. These two
happiness assets are often seen to contribute
more to increased happiness than do other
attitudes and/or activities. Thus, they are
listed together at the top of many lists of
ways to increase happiness.
- The faith-inspired may find it helpful to
think: God is not sending/allowing things against
me; He is sending/allowing things for
me (or for my good). God can make even
something bad work out for your good. If you
spend your time thinking about the good side,
you will feel happier overall (even though
neither the pain nor the immediate outcome may
be changed). And remember: "The answer to
prayer is not according to your faith while
you are talking, but according to your faith
while you are working." [Wallace
D. Wattles, in The Science of Getting
Rich, Chapter 8--see entry on Wattles
above with links to
the components].
- Here is The Optimist's Creed by Christian
D. Larson, published in 1912.
- Promise yourself ...
- To be so strong that nothing can disturb
your peace of mind.
- To talk health, happiness and prosperity
to every person you meet.
- To make all your friends feel that there
is something in them.
- To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.
- To think only of the best, to work only
for the best, and to expect only the best.
- To be just as enthusiastic about the
success of others as you are about your own.
- To forget the mistakes of the past and
press on to the greater achievements of the
future.
- To wear a cheerful countenance at all
times and give every living creature you
meet a smile.
- To give so much time to the improvement
of yourself that you have no time to
criticize others.
- To be too large for worry, too noble for
anger, too strong for fear; and too happy to
permit the presence of trouble.
- To think well of yourself and to proclaim
this fact to the world, not in loud words
but in great deeds.
- To live in the faith that the whole world
is on your side so long as you are true to
the best that is in you.
- Don't forget Joel Osteen's advice on
optimistic thinking (above)
- he may be the most optimistic man on the
planet. And his suggestions are very
infectious.
.
- Keep in mind that our brains are naturally
wired to take threats and bad experiences much
more seriously than opportunities and pleasant
experiences. Psychologists call it the negativity bias. Our
brains are wired that way because it can mean
survival if we remember that a rattle snake is
poisonous (and can kill us); whereas, only a
fleeting pleasure is lost if we forget how
good we felt when so-and-so encouraged us. The
lesson we can take from that is to be
optimistic and positively savor or dwell on
the pleasant experiences deliberately for 15
to 30 seconds. That easy technique will set
them into our memories as firmly as a two
second recognition of a threat or other bad
experience. By routinely practicing this
technique, we can get all the benefits of
both, and improve our happiness noticeably. If
we regularly practice gratitude (see Notes on Be Thankful
..., above), we can use that process as a
mechanism to momentarily dwell on the
positive, and get two benefits.
- The bottom line here is that the
negative/hurtful things stay in our brains
because of some ancient survival process;
and we can get the same benefit from
positive/helpful things by optimistically
and consciously dwelling on them for 15-30
seconds whenever they occur. It can be a
small investment for a big positive return.
- Cleverism
posts a paper Business,
Career, Career tips, Communication,
Leadership, Personal development: How to
Collaborate with and Influence People
Using the SCARF Model in which they
point out the social component noting that
"In today’s interconnected world the ability
to collaborate with other people is an
increasingly important part of workplace
communication. In order to understand how to
better manage bigger groups and improve
co-operation, it’s important to comprehend
what drives social behavior." They also "...
examine one model explaining this behavior,
called the SCARF model [and] explain the
basics behind the theory, the way it
explains the approach and avoid responses,
and how you can use it to decrease the
threats and increase the sense of reward
when collaborating with others." Decreasing
the threats and increasing the sense of
reward more generally can help us in our
quest for greater happiness in our dealings
with others.
- Keep also in mind that positive thinking by
itself only rarely changes the reality you are
facing (though often you see a better side of
it because you have been focusing on that side
too). Rather, you just feel better about
things generally because you have stoked your
mind with the positive side as well as the
negative side that brought you to your quest
for greater happiness in the first place.
- A NY Times post, "Turning
Negative Thinkers Into Positive Ones,"
has a good list of things you can do to become
a more positive thinker and gain the happiness
and outlook and health benefits of doing so.
It is a no-cost endeavor that can bring you a
big pay-out over the long term.
- Tim Dowling has posted a clever piece in the
Guardian "Glass
half-full: how I learned to be an optimist
in a week" that may appeal to both
pessimists and realists. His first entry in a
mini-journal of his thoughts was, "This is
never going to work." He was really surprised
when his optimism test score improved after
only a week; and his breezy, skeptical
approach leaves the reader with lots of ideas
and strategies to think about, even when they
are also very sure it cannot work at all,
never mind in a week.
- Thrive
Global (about)
has posted "How
to Build Hopeful Beliefs and Develop a
Resilient Mindset." Bernadette
Mazurek Melnyk, Ph.D., offers tips to help you
reframe in times of stress and uncertainty.
"Daily practices such as monitoring your mood,
stopping negative thoughts, saying positive
statements about yourself, mindfulness or
living in the present, and taking a moment of
gratitude are all quick actions that Dr.
Melnyk explains can help build hopeful
beliefs. She provides great examples of how
you can integrate these practices into your
daily life, even with the long hours you may
be working."
- Angel Chernoff posts "3
Great Ways to Force Yourself to Be More
Grateful (and a Little Happier)" with
some surprising ideas, too. Who would think
that forcing yourself to smile as you think of
something to be grateful for would be any help
at all? But participants who tried it "found
that this consistently stimulated mental
activity associated with positive feelings and
emotions." Not just surprising. These are
things you can try for free all by yourself
and see what happens to your mood. The article
has lots of links to their other work on the
Mark and Angel blog, where they post a tonne
of ideas for improving your mood and lots of
other self-development strategies.
- Penultimately, there is an obtuse view of
this "positive thinking" aspect of your search
for happiness, that, for some people will have
appeal too. The idea is that some people's
patience is just exhausted by the concept of
being optimistic, or always thinking on the
positive side. For them, it is just so much
baloney. Oliver Burkeman has written a clever,
even humorous book, "The Antidote: Happiness
for people who cannot stand positive
thinking." You can read about it on Amazon (link
to Amazon's sales blurb); and several of
the Amazon
Reviews were helpful to lots of readers.
Some of the reviewers articulate quite well
that over-zealous elimination (even active
evasion) of negative thinking creates its own
anxieties, and leads away from happiness for
those people rather than drawing them toward
it. In any event, Burkeman provides additional
food for thought.
- Ted Ideas
has posted on GetPocket a summary of eight
ideas on "How
to Be More Hopeful," each with links to
the relevant Ted video for further
information. (1) Shift to the brighter side
whenever you feel down. By focusing on the
positive, you bring a better balance to your
thinking. (2) Recognize that you can change
your life at any point. (3) Look for meaning
in the most challenging moments. (4) Listen to
another person’s story. "When you hear a story
about the love, wisdom and courage that fill
our most important moments, ... “it can
sometimes feel like you’re walking on holy
ground.” (5) Return to your home base. Writer
Elizabeth Gilbert says that after the
blockbuster success of her memoir Eat,
Pray, Love, she released another book —
and “it bombed.” ... her home base is the act
of writing itself — not getting good reviews,
watching her books become best-sellers, or
selling movie rights. (6) Add some wow to your
world. (7) Remember the essential goodness of
humanity. “There’s alway going to be these
horrible tragedies that happen in our lives,
and these terrible things, but there’s always
going to be more good out there, and you just
have to look for it.” (8) Think about your
death (yes, really). "This doesn’t need to be
a morbid activity; [but artist] Candy Chang
has found it can be illuminating and
centering. ... In this way, preparing for
death — and thinking about all the things you
can achieve right now — can be one of the most
uplifting things you can do."
.
.
Notes
on "Let go of unhelpful
worries/fears/regrets/past
hurts/recriminations/low self-image and other
baggage. ..."
- This "letting go" can be crucial for many
unhappy people. These unhelpful practices can
be the principal reason that greater happiness
does not come easily. If you dwell on,
ruminate about or constantly think about or
replay worrying or disheartening thoughts or
experiences, your brain will soon enough be
thinking of little else (and your mood will
reflect all that as if it were fact). But you
can interrupt all of that by thinking about
the positive aspects of life, too. [See the
Gretchen Rubin item just below]. One
of the main ideas here is that if you fight
with these baggage items or actively detest or
resent them, or rail {complain bitterly to
yourself of to others} against them in trying
to get rid of them, these actions seem only to
make them stick better. You will be pleasantly
surprised by the effectiveness of just letting
them go. The Sedona Method (which is also
selling lots of related items, and which you
can Google) suggests you start with just
deciding to drop the unhelpful
ideas/emotions/thoughts:
- Deciding to Drop It (from their article
"The First Four Ways of Letting Go").
.
Pick up
a pen, a pencil, or some small object that
you would be willing to drop without
giving it a second thought.
.
Now,
hold the object in front of you and really
grip it tightly. Pretend this is one of
your limiting feelings and that your hand
represents your gut or your consciousness.
If you held the object long enough, this
would start to feel uncomfortable yet
familiar.
.
Now,
open your hand and roll the object around
in it. Notice that you are the one holding
on to it; it is not attached to your hand.
The same is true with your feelings. Your
feelings are as attached to you as this
object is attached to your hand.
.
We hold
on to our feelings and forget that we are
holding on to them. It’s even in our
language. When we feel angry or sad, we
don’t usually say, “I feel angry,” or “I
feel sad.” We say, “I am angry,”
or “I am sad.” Without realizing
it, we are misidentifying that we are the
feeling. Often, we believe a feeling is
holding on to us. This is not true … we
are always in control and just don’t know
it.
.
Now, let
the object go.
.
What
happened? You let go of the object, and it
dropped to the floor. Was that hard? Of
course not. That’s what we mean when we
say, “Let go or ‘release'.”
.
You can
do the same thing with any emotion: choose
to let it go.
- In this process of "letting go" you rid
yourself of the unhelpful baggage much more
effectively than if you rail against it. They
also suggest that when you experience an
unhelpful emotion that you let it "settle" in
some sense (be sure of how you are feeling),
and then ask yourself some simple questions:
- Could I let this feeling
go? It does not even
matter whether you answer yes or no (but
"no" may help you know how badly you want to
be rid of it).
- Would I let this feeling
go? Are you willing to be
done with it? You may even be eager to let
it go. Just don't rail against it.
- When? This
is an invitation to answer "right now." But
if not now, then maybe you will feel more
like it later.
- At any rate, if you are ready, just let the
unhelpful feeling or emotion go while
visualizing the pen from the prior example
falling to the floor. It took no effort beyond
maybe tipping your hand slightly so it could
roll off of its own accord. Here you are using
your choice to just let it go. And you calmly
begin thinking of other things. It may be
helpful for some people to have a favorite
positive/enjoyable subject to which to turn
their attention. The point is that this gentle
process allows you to become the manager of
your thoughts and attitudes, allowing the
baggage to just fall away. Repeat these steps
whenever the old (or other) baggage returns to
the stage of your mind. In a short time you
will find it fading into the past while the
new happier mindset takes its place.
.
- Use Dr. Fordyce's strategies to change your
mind and control your thoughts - from his
Fifth Fundamental, "Stop Worrying":
- "The strategy here is quite basic: we
want to be happy; our happiness is largely
dependent upon our day-to-day mood; our
day-to-day mood is largely dependent upon
what thoughts pass through our mind; our
thoughts can be brought under our control;
and thus, by controlling our thoughts we can
control our happiness."
- "... the more time one spends thinking
positive thoughts, instead of negative
thoughts, the happier one will be. And since
thoughts are generally easier to change than
feelings, the more we are able to harness
the direction of our thoughts, the more
control we will find over our happiness."
- Use the 'thought check,' 'thought
switching' and your 'main thought' to focus
your thinking (away from worrying) toward
better moods and toward better overall
happiness more of the time.
- You may be pleased to see how much more
effective this method is than your prior angry
response to the old recurring baggage.
- Also, use this "letting go" process to help
you to be OK with adverse circumstances and
treatment. See "How To Really Let Whatever
Happens Be Okay—and Why You Would Want To," above.
- Accept what is by watching
your reaction with curiosity. [Tolle describes
this as being an alert witness to the
unpleasant thing and your response. You step
aside and observe, consciously. Tolle suggests
alternately that you make yourself
transparent to the irritation by visualizing
it passing right through you with no
resistance (therefore, with no reaction or
response).]
- Gretchen Rubin
says “Make the Positive Argument” instead of
the negative one. It can change your opinion
and frame of mind in a wonderful way. She
expands as follows.
- I love my husband with all my heart, but
sometimes I fall into a spiral of criticism.
He annoys me by not answering my emails, and
that gets me thinking about how he also
annoys me by not mailing an important form,
and so on.
I discovered an excellent technique to
combat this tendency. In general, people are
very skillful at arguing a particular case.
When a person takes a position, he or she
looks for evidence to support it and then
stops, satisfied. This mental process gives
the illusion that a position is objective
and well justified. However—and this is the
useful point—a person can often make the
very opposite argument, just as easily. If I
tell myself, “I’m a shy person,” I remember
examples of my shyness. If I tell myself,
“I’m an outgoing person,” I remember times
when I was outgoing. I’m able to argue both
conclusions quite persuasively.
To make use of this phenomenon, I’ve
resolved to “Make the positive argument.”
When I catch myself thinking, “My husband
isn’t very thoughtful,” and my mind starts
kicking up examples of thoughtlessness, I
contradict myself with “He’s very
thoughtful”—and sure enough, I’m able to
come up with many examples of his thoughtful
behavior. “He doesn’t enjoy celebrating
holidays”; “He does enjoy celebrating
holidays.”
I can actually feel my opinion shift. It’s
almost uncanny.
Resolve to “Make the positive argument.”
You’ll be amazed at how convincing you can
be—to yourself.
- Watch for distortions in your thinking (see
Burns' list
above), do as Tolle
suggests and be the silent watcher of your
mind, how it makes you feel, etc. But don't
editorialize or condemn yourself. Just by
observing it you will gain power over your
thoughts and moods. Use Byrne's Secret
Shifters to change your thoughts to
improve your mood.
- Sweta Bothra at Thrive
Global (about)
posts "5
Ways to Know If You’re Chasing Unhappiness:
Here's how to identify the signs, and let go
of the things that are taking away from your
happiness." The five ways deal with (1)
Complaining, (2) Having Unrealistic Demands,
(3) Comparing, (4) Holding Grudges, and (5)
Investing in Possessions. The article is worth
looking over, in case you are inadvertently
contributing to your own unhappiness in ways
that you can change once you know about them.
.
.
Notes
on "Find your passion; make a career of it.
..."
- Doing things that are interesting to you
(over against things that are boring, for
example) is a nobrainer. But how does one
identify one's passions? It is not a lot more
than making a list of your interests,
enjoyments, dreams and talents (often, more of
heart than mind; but don't leave out the
latter), then putting them in order. Your
passions are at the top of the list. And don't
be too quick to rule out something that
appears at first glance to be unaffordable,
for example. Make the list first; then order
it, weed out some, and re-order. Keep the best
ones, whether or not they make really good
sense in the first instance, and perhaps
especially if other people think they are
silly.
- Here are some ideas for step-by-step
procedures that may also be helpful in getting
started.
- Lifestyle Makeover Expert Cheryl
Richardson's 5 steps "Discover Your Dreams,"
from an Oprah Winfrey Show on
finding your passions, (with links and
other helpful suggestions). Their item
"Pursuing Your Passion" has helpful
suggestions too.
- Sean M. Lyden's article "Finding Your Passion"
{some commercial clutter} looks at it from a
career and business standpoint; but the
personal aspects are not a whole lot
different. He identifies 6 steps: [1]
Identify what gets you excited, [2] Go back
to your childhood, [3] Take stock of your
talents, [4] "Shop" on the job, [5] Look at
the big picture (from
Covey's three questions: Do I like doing
it? Am I good at it? Does the world need
it?), and [6] Put it to the test.
His article cites other resources, too.
- Brad Bollenbach's article "Finding Your Passion"
is more about experimenting with
alternatives than making lists of
possibilities. It could use more depth and
some examples; but his photo of an ecstatic
girl with her guitar is worth a visit just
to spark your enthusiasm.
- Frederic Premji's page "7 Questions To Finding
Your True Passion" lists these
questions: [1] What puts a smile on your
face?, [2] What do you find easy?, [3] What
sparks your creativity?, [4] What would you
do for free?, [5] What do you like to talk
about?, [6] What makes you unafraid of
failure? {things you would
do no matter the outcome}, and [7]
What would you regret not having tried?
- Michelle Martin's Finding Your Life Passion
article {career context} suggests using
photos, art and music to help you sift
through your interests. This allows you to
engage your artistic right brain more than
the left-brain-logic-centered lists of
words, for example.
- Curt Rosengren's "Identifying Your Passion's
Building Blocks" {career context}
focuses on why we like or are interested in
certain things.
- Daylle Deanna Schwartz posts "Finding Your Passions"
in the blog Lessons from a Recovering
Doormat {career empowerment context}. It is
very breezy and positive, ... and fun. She
mentions some helpful steps: [1] Think about
whether you love, or even like, the things
you do, [2] Pay attention to how others talk
about their jobs, [3] Pay attention to any
parts of your current job that you enjoy,
[4] Pay attention to your outside interests,
[5] Take a class in whatever interests you,
[6] Volunteer at something you like to do,
[7] Close your ears to naysayers, [8] Use
your spiritual faith to manifest, and [9]
Decide what’s more important—money or
happiness. {"being happy
with what you do is the best gift you can
give to yourself—much better than money
can buy"}.
- Complete the VIA Signature Strengths
Questionnaire, among the "Engagement
Questionnaires" at the Authentic Happiness
website. It takes about a half-hour;
but it is worth the effort [the Brief
Strengths Test is not as helpful]. They list
your strengths in descending order, with
your passions at the top. You need to
register; but it is free, and they don't
bomb your mailbox with clutter. By
registering, they keep your scores so that
you can see improvements when you re-take
any test later.
- "In order that people may be happy in
their work, these three things are needed:
They must be fit for it. They must not do
too much of it. And they must have a sense
of success in it." — John Ruskin.
- ... There are many others. Just
Google "Finding Your Passions" (or some
variant) and run your own quest.
- Finally, as you pursue possible passions,
keep your eyes open to nearby alternatives.
You might be able to refine them into
something even better.
- One sage, after a long quest to identify
his own passions, exclaimed "I discovered that
I had been hired by the universe, ... to be
myself." Remember, you are unique; and your
creation was neither happenstance nor
accident. It was done on purpose by The
Master. Let your talents, personality and
individuality shine. Be your best self.
- Haidt
points out (in his Felicity of Virtue
chapter, pp. 169-170) that it is much more
productive to work from your strengths than it
is to try to correct a weakness directly by
itself. By using your strengths, you find
greater interest and enjoyment in the
endeavor. Thereby you are much more likely to
stick to it and ultimately succeed. He
suggests that you use your strengths to work
around your weaknesses: whether you ultimately
correct them or just go around them, you get
substantially the same result. And you have
fun doing it through the use of your strengths
(which, of course, are themselves strengthened
through practice).
- "To find out what one is fitted to do
and to secure an opportunity to do it is key
to happiness." — John Dewey.
- Benjamin Hardy has posted "Make
Decisions Today That Will Impress Your
Friends In 20 Years." To me it is not so
much about impressing friends as it is about
longer-term thinking and moving strategically
into a future that I have thought about more
than casually. Ben adds "There is a profound
new insight emerging from the field of
positive psychology and it’s this: The view we have of our own
future is the greatest determinant
in who we are and what we do today. Said
another way: What we [choose to] do today is
based on the future we see for ourselves." He
also notes: "The further out you make your
decisions, the more informed your decisions
will be. If you want to be a highly conscious
and intentional person, then you need to think
about where your choices are leading you.
Every decision you make is impacting your
future self."
.
Notes
on "Remember that by simply thinking about and
valuing happiness (paying increased attention to
it) ..."
- As the 14th Fundamental of Fordyce (above), VALHAP "the Secret
Fundamental" elaborates, there is a
by-product of studying and valuing happiness
that you might not predict immediately. You
find an increase in your happiness simply by
paying greater attention to it. This is, of
course, completely consistent with the law of attraction and
our notes on
optimism: when you think of the positive
aspects, and think about optimistic outcomes,
you feel happier. Well, if you think more
about being happy, how to get there, what to
do to obtain more of it, then more of it will
come to you as a result. Fordyce calls it
"happiness awareness" in his 14th Fundamental.
- If you encountered this notion before you
embarked on your study of happiness, and how
to get more of it, you might think it is a bit
hokey. But if you get to this one after you
have been paying increased attention to it for
a while, you will see immediately that it is a
true side-benefit that you would likely not
have predicted at the outset. Count another
blessing.
- Another aspect of simply paying more
attention to and valuing your happiness, is
measuring and tracking it. This practice can
also be helpful to some people. There are a
variety of websites devoted to "tracking
happiness" (just google the phrase). Hugo (about)
posts his own Tracking
Happiness page where he suggests:
"Determine what makes you happy. Every day.
Act on it." He posts some logs and charts from
his own experience, and offers a free custom
template for doing so yourself.
- Remember also to look for things to laugh
about. See the item on making it a habit to
practice laughter (above).
.
.
Notes
on "Avoid what leads to unhappiness ..."
- As Shimoff mentions in "Happiness for No
Reason" (above),
your happiness is already inside you, and will
be manifest as soon as you stop the
activities, attitudes and practices which are
keeping it hidden and ineffective. As such,
you don't have to start doing anything
new; all you have to do is to stop
keeping your happiness back. This can be a
great boon to those who are too burned out to
work much at all on anything, and especially
to those unaware that they are keeping their
innate happiness from helping them to feel
better.
- Burns
identifies 10
kinds
of distorted thinking and low
self-esteem as common to virtually all people
who are unhappier than they would like to be.
These are matters under your control; and you
can remedy them both. Every positive step will
result in improved joy, happiness and
contentment.
.
.
Notes
on "xx ..." <future, to
come> ...
.
|
For those in a hurry, skip the research notes/findings,
Joel Osteen, and his wife Victoria
are pastors at Christian nondenominational Lakewood Church in Houston. Larry King
called him "the good news guy" and (to Joel and Victoria,
who were together on the same program, 20 June 2005),
"You're going to win the award as the happiest people ever
to be on this program." Osteen has written several books
about self-improvement, encouragement and inspiration that
have been very well received. An early book, "Your Best
Life Now" has a chapter "Choose to Be Happy." Some
more current titles are "Position Yourself for
Greatness," "Live Like a Champion," "A Life Worth Living,"
"Letting Go of the Past" and "Become a Better
You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every
Day." The latter identifies the seven
keys: [1] Keep pressing forward, [2] Be positive toward
yourself, [3] Develop better relationships, [4] Form better
habits, [5] Embrace the place where you are, [6] Develop
your inner life, and [7] Stay passionate about life. Each
key also includes a list of action points: practical steps
each one of us can take to better ourselves, and to feel
better about ourselves.
You can hardly help from feeling better
after reading or listening to Joel for even a short time. You
can sign up for their newsletter "Today's Word with Joel & Victoria"
and "Joel
and Victoria's Blog" they are free, and uncluttered. You
can also access their archives
of prior articles. These continuing reminders can be
helpful in your quest for greater joy and happiness.
Summary
More]
links to more detail/options, if needed/desired. 
