Preface
This page contains some links and informal suggestions for the general reader from a strictly lay point of view that may be helpful starting points for persons seeking to find greater lasting happiness, contentment and joy in their lives.
This page is intended to be independent of specific philosophical and religious views, though it will have an underlying tendency toward Christian thinking in the western world and toward so-called "new age" thinking. This page recognizes that religious views can be pivotal in both understanding and implementing any improvements in a person's sense of contentment and well-being. Those specific aids and remedies are best found among the person's religious beliefs and their reliable sources of religious thinking and teaching. Dr. Fordyce points out, for example, that "happy individuals have well-developed philosophical or religious beliefs that provide them the satisfying sense of meaning, importance, and significance in their life. They seem to have a marvelously developed sense of personal direction that comes from those beliefs and values" that are completely independent of the specific religious or philosophical beliefs themselves. Some researchers call this phenomenon "Religious Structural Stability"; and there are plenty of papers on this subject for those whose faith focus is helpful in character building of all sorts, not just happiness.For those in a hurry, skip the research notes/findings,
... and go directly to the Summary of things you can do now to increase your happiness, contentment and joy.
. The items presented here are oriented toward what has been found by researchers and others among broad populations holding widely differing philosophical and religious views. There is a surprising uniformity of beliefs and values associated with well-being and contentment across the ages and across cultures and philosophies; and they are all different. And there is wide agreement that happiness is one of the most important goals we seek. Although as a field of study, it is only a few decades old, a few sources of research findings and suggestions are mentioned here in the hope that they will be helpful and will resonate for those on a quest to improve their own everyday levels of happiness, contentment, inner peace and joy. The ones that resonate just now are the ones to pursue just now, I have found.
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“The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present.”4
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Return to Table of Contents for this page. Go to Top..||..Happier Life..||..Summary..||..Bottom.
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.Living a Happier Life
Happiness, joy and contentment are very hard to define for others. But virtually all of us know them when we find them in our own lives. Most of us do not know, however, how to improve any of them, except for specific instances. This page contains some of what I have learned about finding lasting happiness, joy and inner peace; and all are contained here in the hope that some of them may also be helpful to others.. All these resources are freely available so far as I know; and the books are available at most libraries and bookstores.. There is, apparently, no one silver bullet that, if you do it, or acquire it, will lead you to lasting happiness. On the contrary, it seems to be a series of individually-tailored activities, thought patterns, attitudes, habits and built-in attributes which everybody can engage in or develop to some degree, the sum of which improves your happiness (even if no individual obtains greater happiness in all [or even many] of the areas identified in the research). Further, there doesn't seem to be a single nirvana at which one ultimately arrives; but rather, there seems to be a continuous series of processes unique to each person in which they are continuously expanding, improving and modifying the levels of happiness and joy which they recognize and experience. Ultimately, all these activities and thoughts become a series of more-or-less permanent habits based on sound principles, the end product of which is increased happiness. Over time, as you adjust and improve them, your level of overall happiness increases. And the very large numbers of possibilities can give substantial hope to anyone wishing to increase their level of happiness. Since there are so many possibilities, there is merit in trying them at different times, and from different stages of development. Often, something that failed (or made little sense) at an earlier time will bear fruit in present circumstances. And some of them will produce some degree of success, for sure. Every individual is unique; cultivate and preserve the ones that work for you. My hope is that some of the following will spark some of these processes for you..
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"The winds of happiness are always blowing; but it is you who must raise a sail."1
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“What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.”2
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. - A very helpful place to see the big picture concerning happiness is from Dr. Michael W. Fordyce, a retired writer, researcher and theorist on human happiness. It is entitled "Human Happiness: Its Nature and Its Attainment." This item contains helpful introductory material along with "fourteen fundamentals of happiness" that explain what to do to increase your happiness.
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For information, The GetHappy website has been returning "Forbidden access" or "Error 404" (cannot locate page or server) since about mid-Sept 2011. If you are searching for this material, send me an E-mail request and I will email you the page(s) you are looking for. This material is quite good for the general reader looking for introductory but well-researched material; and the GetHappy website has experienced temporary outages before. We hope this one is temporary too. . Meantime, as noted below, see also The Happiness Show, originally a TV show about happiness (who they are), with lots of videos, etc., and their page on Dr. Michael W. Fordyce (which has some of his introductory material and links to some of his videos which are still available). Other videos are also available on YouTube: Part 8 Human happiness: The Royal Road - MICHAEL W. FORDYCE, Ph.D. Click on "show more" below the video frame to see links to quite a few other YouTube videos from Dr. Fordyce.We have temporarily posted his 14th Fundamental: VALHAP - The Secret Fundamental.
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- See the Table of Contents page for "Human Happiness: Its Nature and Its Attainment" with links to all the chapters. It contains lots of easy reading, and it is very informative.
- Take Dr. Fordyce's "Test of Your Happiness Assets." It takes only 15 minutes or so. Your scores and the scoring explanations will give you a ton of ideas, quash some myths, and help you focus attention on improving your enjoyment of life.
- His Two Faces of Happiness section near the bottom of chapter 4 on "The Story of Happiness Research" distinguishes between "a good emotional feeling (I'm in a happy mood)," and "a more general feeling people have about how their life is going (I'm a happy person)." In our quest to increase our happiness, these can be important facets requiring different approaches.
- "When a happy mood strikes, there is a remarkable change in the positive nature of the thoughts which come into our mind." People feel better about themselves, too. Thus, getting yourself into a happy mood can improve your overall happiness (by an amount greater than its own value) as a by-product; and even our behavior improves, and our worries are reduced. [This comes from the Thinking Changes section and later sections of Chapter 5 The Happy Mood].
- An important subset of this happy mood effect is that we are happier when we are working on one of our strengths, or using one of our strengths to achieve some other purpose. See the Notes on "Find your passion ..." below.
- "Some happiness-sources have more impact than others. ...
[These above items come from the Eight Laws Of Human Happiness section toward the bottom of Chapter 6 The Happy Person, particularly the 5th law: The Law Of Cumulative Effects.]
- One's marriage and family life, for example, appears to be the most potent source of all; and Optimism is a very close second -- rewards in these areas are more important to your happiness than rewards in other areas.
- Next, come the successes you find in your job and your other social life.
- Then come things like your income, social status, and educational attainment.
- And finally, come the more peripheral things, like fun, good health, etc."
- Be sure to persevere (or go directly) to the second volume - Learning to be a Happier Person. These chapters contain most of the value in my view, presenting many ideas for making yourself a happier person on many fronts.
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Here are the individual links to the 14 Fundamentals for Attaining Happiness by Dr. Fordyce.
[The last three fundamentals are in draft form only, and can be by-passed in favor of similar topics from other sources.]
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- 1 - Be More Active and Keep Busy.
- 2 - Spend More Time Socializing
- ... (likely your #1 happiness asset).
- 3 - Be Productive at Meaningful Work.
- 4 - Get Better Organized, Plan Things Out.
- 5 - Stop Worrying.
- 6 - Lower Your Expectations & Aspirations
- ... (shows the futility of achievement-based happiness).
- 7 - Develop Positive, Optimistic Thinking.
- 8 - Get Present-Oriented.
- 9 - Work On a Healthy Personality
- ... (liking, accepting, knowing, helping and being yourself).
. - 10 - Develop an Outgoing Social Personality
- ... (smile and say "hi" -- it is a great start).
- 11 - Be Yourself.
- 12 - Eliminate Negative Feelings & Problems [draft; not very helpful]
- ... (see Notes on Letting go, below instead).
- 13 - Close Relationships Are #1 [draft].
- 14 - VALHAP - The Secret Fundamental
- ... (the effect of studying and valuing happiness
... [this draft has been posted temporarily until
... GetHappy is back on-line]).. . .
.- Fordyce puts an important facet of the pursuit of happiness very simply in his Fifth Fundamental, "Stop Worrying":
- "The strategy here is quite basic: we want to be happy; our happiness is largely dependent upon our day-to-day mood; our day-to-day mood is largely dependent upon what thoughts pass through our mind; our thoughts can be brought under our control; and thus, by controlling our thoughts we can control our happiness."
- "... the more time one spends thinking positive thoughts, instead of negative thoughts, the happier one will be. And since thoughts are generally easier to change than feelings, the more we are able to harness the direction of our thoughts, the more control we will find over our happiness."
- Use the 'thought check,' 'thought switching' and your 'main thought' to focus your thinking (away from worrying) toward better moods and toward better overall happiness more of the time.
- For a concrete and testable example that "what you think is what you get," see the Cesar Millan "Dog Whisperer" example in Related Resources below.
- See also The Happiness Show, originally a TV show about happiness (who they are), with lots of videos, etc., and their page on Dr. Michael W. Fordyce.
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Other Sources for "Let Life Be OK"
- Eric Barker has posted "The secret to loving your life" where he points out that accepting what we cannot change can help us gain peace and contentment that is not available if we deny or resist or complain about it. Even though he doesn't say much about thinking ahead and avoiding adverse impacts when you can, it is still a good read for improving your outlook once the adversity strikes.
- Chris Rackliffe has posted "How to Find the Blessing in Every Change" on Thrive Global (about). It deals with handling change, of course. But Chris's emphasis is on managing these seemingly endless changes, and making the management of them a part of your life--then, making them the story of your life. His main thrust is that that is what life is about: constantly changing. It is about changing, growing and developing for the better, for improvement, ... and then for continuous improvement--all in aid of becoming the "real you." Chris "tells first-person stories that cut straight to the heart. Chris has made it his sole purpose to empower and uplift others and help them find peace, perspective and power through what they’ve endured." This article is an excerpt from his book It’s Good to See Me Again: How to Find Your Way When You Feel Lost.
So, here is the list:
Notes and more detail/options for some of the items above.
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.Notes on "Keep busy with lots of productive activities ..."
- These activities can be any of the get-up-and-get-going activities of socializing, sports, hiking, volunteering, etc. The individual activities do not matter: that is, there is no evidence that tennis is better at making people happy than is ice skating, for example. What is important is the "something in which to be engaged." It helps us to focus on something beyond our troubles. Of course, when done with others, it brings an important social component; and the exercise component can only help with general health and fitness. Take a walk every day; take your dog. When you can add meaningfulness and purpose, you amplify the effect.
. - Remember Lincoln's note on getting out and being busy with good works:
- “Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.”
. - Recall also Burns' advice if you just can't get yourself going:
- "Do you know why virtually any meaningful activity has a decent chance of brightening your mood'? If you do nothing, you will become preoccupied with the flood of negative, destructive thoughts. If you do something, you will be temporarily distracted from that internal dialogue of self-denigration. What is even more important, the sense of mastery you will experience [when you succeed in some ways] will disprove many of the distorted thoughts that slowed you down in the first place." [Chapter 5: Do-Nothingism: How to Beat It, p. 94; my emphasis].
- Happiness does not depend entirely on accomplishment, but don't ignore it altogether either; it can often provide a helpful boost. Being effective in your work and in life is a worthwhile pursuit; and to accomplish that (sorry, pun intended), here is an interesting article from Darius Foroux (about): "12 Positive Personality Traits Of Effective People." Darius posts lots of helpful articles. And you can subscribe to his mailing list.
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.Notes on "Social interaction provides what is perhaps the most important activity leading to increased happiness ..."
- Social interaction, as an activity, shares the "perhaps most important" designation with Optimism as an attitude or mindset. These two happiness assets are often seen to contribute more to increased happiness than do other attitudes and/or activities. Thus, they are listed together at the top of many lists of ways to increase happiness.
- Having a rewarding love-relationship can be an important part of social interaction, of course. It is the number 1 happiness asset for most everyone according to many researchers. As such, it may be well worth the effort to find, or (if you already have it) to enhance and preserve.
- Search for "skills for success" and select those not typically taught in school. Focus energy and effort to learn and apply these skills. The time will be well spent, it will help focus your thoughts on something engaging, and the results will pay off many times over as you live out your future life, ... all with enhanced happiness and joy. Google this: "skills for success not taught in school" without the quotation marks. You'll see dozens and dozens of helpful suggestions.
- An 80-Year Harvard Study Says [Good Relationships] Will Make You Happier and Healthier. Author Justin Bariso quotes Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and currently direct[or of] the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the most comprehensive studies of emotional well-being in history. Waldinger says flatly: "Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period. It was how satisfied [the study participants] were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. Good relationships don't just protect our bodies; they protect our brains, ..." Waldinger continued. The article has lots of links to backup material, too. Well worth the reading time.
- For those who are faith inspired, have perhaps been raised to avoid these topics growing up, and are looking for reliable information about lovemaking that is consistent with Christian religious thought, an active Latter-day Saint couple has writen a tasteful and frank discussion that is very helpful and long overdue: "And It Was Very Good: A Latter-day Saint’s Guide to Lovemaking."
- Social interaction can't always just be increased to improve happiness, of course. Like everything else, it needs to be managed. Thrive Global (about) has posted The Problem With the Word “Yes” - When we're so quick to take on new tasks and responsibilities [and even new. and usually helpful, social interactivity], we don't realize what we give up in the process. Author, Dr. Pedram Shojai cites a good example:
- For example, your friends call you up and say, “Let’s go for a drink.” You impulsively say, “Yes. Okay, great; let’s do this!”
You had plans to go to the gym, eat a healthy dinner, and get home to your family. You need to help your son with a project, and it’s due next week. But now you’ve taken down a few drinks, eaten chicken wings and chips, drunk a few more drinks, skipped the workout, and gotten home after [your son] went to bed. That one yes killed three previous yeses. Namely:
..Yes to a healthy fitness routine that would boost your energy, clear your head, and make you feel happy in life;
..Yes to a healthy dinner that would nourish a robust microbiome, reduce inflammation, feed your cells, hydrate your body, and energize your life; and
..Yes to your family that needs you to be a great partner, parent, role model, friend, and positive example of someone who makes [and follows through with] the right choices.
Is that one impulsive yes worth backing out of the three yeses you had already committed to? Seldom is that answer “Yes.”
- Over 2,000 years ago Confucius (Wiki) taught about "personal and governmental morality, correctness of social relationships, justice and sincerity." A post by The Power of Ideas blog, "9 Powerful Lessons From Confucius That Will Change the Way You Look at Life" provides a short list of very helpful ways to think about life that have strong potential to help you in your quest for greater happiness, fulfillment and joy.
- Where social interaction is available, and especially when people find it comfortable and rewarding, then when one knows how important it can be, this can be a very enjoyable way to create a happy mood at the moment, and to increase one's general level of happiness over the longer term. Dr. Michael Fordyce (above) in his 13th Fundamental "Close Relationships are #1" makes the following observations:
- Appreciate and maintain your close friends, your family members, and your most intimates -- for these are your main source of happiness!
- If you are fortunate to have such ties, do whatever you can do to develop, to maintain, to repair, or to sustain your relationship with them. More than money, more than success, more than fame or popularity -- time invested in enhancing your closest ties will reap, by far, the greatest happiness rewards life affords, according to the bulk of happiness research.
- Love is, indeed, the most potent happiness factor of all! The research is abundantly clear: a person who has loving, close social and familial ties in their life, has the greatest happiness gift life can provide! Of all the factors researchers have studied, this one factor appears to be confirmed as a universal certainty!
- Engage in, pursue and cultivate the relationships that help you in your happiness quest; allow others to decline and fade.
- Julie Beck has posted on The Atlantic magazine website, "How Friendships Change in Adulthood." It provides excellent information about the desirability of keeping, maintaining (and resuscitating if needed) friendships you have cultivated in earlier, perhaps happier times. They can help you maintain balance, and improve not just your outlook, but your general mental health, and even your physical health, especially during stressful or depressing times.
- Social interaction is also a great activity in which to practice the Eighth Fundamental of Dr. Fordyce, "Present-Orientation." By itself, the latter is an aid to achieving greater happiness; and practicing it during social interactivity can magnify the effect of both.
- One of the difficulties of some unhappy people, of course, is that social interaction is neither comfortable nor rewarding. They often feel that they make more enemies than friends with their efforts to interact socially. They often withdraw and isolate themselves socially as a result. In these cases, one can just focus more on other methods, particularly optimism and positive thinking (see note below) which are also very important happiness assets (and can be pursued even if one is completely alone). Happily (sorry, pun intended), once some higher level of general happiness is gained, many of these people will find that their social skills will also improve, leaving them free to pursue increased social interaction, perhaps starting with some of the more cautious approaches.
- Even small and casual investments in low-stakes relationships can be very helpful. Thrive Global [about--notes from Arianna Huffington] has posted "Smiling at Strangers Can Make You Happier, According to Science: Research shows there’s power in a meaningful connection—even if it’s a quick “good morning” to your local barista. The author cites others who "[call] these low-stakes relationships ‘weak ties,’" ... “[They] can have a positive impact on our well-being by helping us feel more connected to other social groups … and empower us to be more empathetic. We’re likely to feel less lonely, too.”
- Some people will scoff, or course, and claim it is not really socializing; but if you are very shy, you can do some on-line socializing, at least to get started. Check out some of the social networking websites, adopt a persona, or simply be yourself, and see what happens. Be cautious about what you post on the Internet, of course (in any case, you should post only information that you would be comfortable if anybody saw it--see our notes on the lengthy lifetimes and potential wide distribution--and especially privacy issues--concerning Internet posts of all sorts).
- An article entitled "What Technology Can’t Change About Happiness" - mentions that as pills and gadgets proliferate, what matters is still social connection. Adam Piore, the author, starts by pointing out that the increased connections available through electronic technologies are no substitute for face-to-face (or even voice over the telephone) conversations and other human interactivity. Toward the end of the article, however, he brings a broader perspective that we all use lots of technologies in our interactions with others, even pointing out that social networking allows us to keep track of old friends like never before, increasing both our connectedness and our interactivity, all often for the better in terms of our well-being and happiness.
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- Social interaction and close relationships are strong happiness assets; and a rewarding love relationship (when it is good) is the strongest happiness asset. However, as Dr. Michael Fordyce (above) also points out in his 13th Fundamental "Close Relationships are #1," one's personal mental health (the balance and self-sufficiency they bring to a relationship in the first instance--see his 9th Fundamental "Work On a Healthy Personality") is the principal predictor of relationship success, overall. The point here is that working on one's own self-sufficiency and balanced mental health first, and then seeking a rewarding love relationship may be a better approach than beginning with a quest for a rewarding love relationship.
- Social interaction can be compromised by current technology when we rely on social media at the expense of actual face-to-face interaction. Arianna Huffington at Thrive Global posts "2019 Is the Year to Go Beyond Awareness and Actually Take Charge of Our Relationship With Technology." Her subtitle is "What we’ve discovered is that technology might be great at delivering what we want in the moment, but it’s less great at giving us what we need over the long term." She emphasises "Yes, we all love our devices and all the amazing things they allow us to do. But at the same time, our technology has accelerated our lives beyond our capacity to keep up. We all feel it, and it’s getting worse. It turns out, we’re being controlled by something we should be controlling. And it’s consuming our attention and crippling our ability to focus, think, be present, and, most important, to truly connect, both with others and with ourselves."
- Back in the day, Dale Carnegie wrote an all-time best seller, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (Wiki entry; basic summary; excerpts) that lists all the ways that common sense and many other authors have articulated. But He does it with such charm and grace that the book is now celebrating 70+ years in print, and 15+ million in sales. This book is a good read, very uplifting by itself, and also, of course, very helpful in improving social relationships of all sorts (and with a large variety of really good examples). Below are some of the main points ("in a nutshell," as he says) from "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
. - FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE -- p 50.
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- PRINCIPLE 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
- PRINCIPLE 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation.
- PRINCIPLE 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want.
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.- SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU -- p. 112.
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- PRINCIPLE 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people.
- PRINCIPLE 2 - Smile.
- PRINCIPLE 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- PRINCIPLE 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- PRINCIPLE 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
- PRINCIPLE 6 - Make the other person feel important--and do it sincerely.
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.- WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING -- p. 200.
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- PRINCIPLE 1 - The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
- PRINCIPLE 2 - Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
- PRINCIPLE 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
- PRINCIPLE 4 - Begin in a friendly way.
- PRINCIPLE 5 - Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
- PRINCIPLE 6 - Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
- PRINCIPLE 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- PRINCIPLE 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
- PRINCIPLE 9 - Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
- PRINCIPLE 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives.
- PRINCIPLE 11 - Dramatize your ideas.
- PRINCIPLE 12 - Throw down a challenge.
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.- BE A LEADER -- p. 248.
. A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior.
Some suggestions to accomplish this:.
- PRINCIPLE 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
- PRINCIPLE 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
- PRINCIPLE 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
- PRINCIPLE 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
- PRINCIPLE 5 - Let the other person save face.
- PRINCIPLE 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
- PRINCIPLE 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
- PRINCIPLE 8 - Use encouragement. Make any fault seem easy to correct.
- PRINCIPLE 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
- Friends and Family, Forgiveness, Giving back and Gratitude are at the core of lasting happiness according to Dr. Sanjiv Chopra, a professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. See his article "Harvard professor says ‘winning a $20 million lottery won’t make you happier in life’—but these 4 things will."
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.Notes on "Focus on the here and now ..."
- This may seem trivial in its importance initially; but it is central to finding enduring happiness from within, and for letting go of unhelpful worries/fears/regrets/past hurts/recriminations/low self-image and other baggage. Worries about the future and guilt about the past only serve to hijack your attention away from the present (the only time and place where you can do anything, including feeling happy).
- The Mindful organization (about) posts "The Secrets to Wiring a Happier Brain" dealing with ways to bring engagement and fulfillment to your everyday activities, and then making it a regular habit. Doing and thinking mindfully is very helpful to your happiness pursuits. They post other helpful articles, too (look for "top stories" on their entry page).
- This Is How To Kill Bad Habits With Mindfulness identifies 4 helpful steps: Recognize, Accept, Investigate and Note (RAIN). "By really watching what you do, noticing how you feel, you can start to realize the bad habit isn’t helping fix the problem. You don’t really feel any better. And that realization is key. That’s what will break the cycle."
. - Eckhart Tolle says (in The Power of NOW: a guide to spiritual enlightenment [chapter 3, Moving Deeply Into the Now, page 55; Book Review]: "Be present as the watcher of your mind--of your thoughts and emotions as well as your reactions in various situations. Be at least as interested in your reactions as in the situation or person that causes you to react. Notice also how often your attention is in the past or future. Do not judge or analyze what you observe. Watch the thought, feel the emotion, observe the reaction. Do not make a personal problem out of them. You will then feel something more powerful than any of those things that you observe: [enjoying] the still, observing presence itself behind the content of your mind, the silent watcher."
. - The above reviewer points out that "This is one of the many ways in which.Eckhart Tolle’s teaching is so radically different from other spiritual traditions. He seems to imply that enlightenment is already the case, and that we only need to stop and be silent for this dimension to be revealed to us. Furthermore, Eckhart Tolle maintains that enlightenment is the only truly natural way to live one’s life; it is only through a radical transformation of human consciousness that humanity can hope to live in peace and harmony." The core of this transformation is to focus much more on the here and now, using the past and future only as reference points, when needed; but dwell in the present.
. - Eckhart Tolle has also written A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose [Author's comments], which I found quite a bit more readable than The Power of NOW. In A New Earth, Tolle speaks eloquently (and to me, much more clearly) concerning the role of the ego in strengthening the false self, and how to dissolve its effects simply by being the watcher of your mind (see immediately above). Taking these steps is essential to obtaining that inner happiness which we are all seeking, and is within each of us, waiting to be allowed to manifest itself.
. On happiness, Tolle says (A New Earth, chapter 4 - Role-playing: the Many Faces of the Ego, p. 96),.
Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what "is" rather than making up stories about it. . Unhappiness covers up your natural state of well-being and inner peace, the source of true happiness.. - In his comments on writing A New Earth {scroll down past the photo of the book, etc., to "The One Thing" heading}, Tolle notes that "the terminology used needs to be as neutral as possible so that it transcends the confines of any one culture, religion, or spiritual tradition." In my view, he substantially accomplishes that goal. Well done; and very helpful.
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.- Many happiness seekers also find meditation helpful for focusing on the here and now.
. - Thoughts lead to feelings. Control thoughts by changing to better thoughts; better feelings will result.
- Rhonda Byrne, in The Secret, says: "Make a list of some Secret Shifters to have up your sleeve. By Secret Shifters, I mean things that can change your feelings in a snap. It might be beautiful memories, future events, funny moments, nature, a person you love, your favorite music. Then if you find yourself angry or frustrated or not feeling good, turn to your Secret Shifters list and focus on one of them. Different things will shift you at different times, so if one doesn't work, go to another. It only takes a minute or two of changing focus ... ." When you feel better, re-focus on the here and now.
- She quotes Bob Proctor on the subject: "When you're feeling down, did you know that you can change it in an instant? Put on a beautiful piece of music, or start singing--that'll change your emotion. Or think of something beautiful. Think of a baby or somebody that you truly love, and dwell on it. Really keep that thought in your mind. Block everything out but that thought. I guarantee you'll start to feel good."
. - Try some of the "8 Ways to Return to the Present Moment" from the Positivity Blog (see Related item below):
- 1. Focus on what’s right in front of you.
- 2. Focus on your breathing.
- 3. Focus on your inner body.
- 4. Pick up the vibe from present people.
- 5. Surrender to the emotion that is already there.
- 6. See things as for the first time.
- 7. Punch your leg.
- 8. Have a drink or two. [... OJ, of course!]
. - For a concrete and testable example that "what you think is what you get," see the Cesar Millan "Dog Whisperer" example in Related Resources below.
- Keep in mind the sage advice of Adam Smith: "Through the whole of his life he pursues the idea of a certain artificial and elegant repose which he may never arrive at, for which he sacrifices a real tranquility that is at all times in his power, and which, if in the extremity of old age he should at last attain to it, he will find to be in no respect preferable to that humble security and contentment which he had abandoned for it."
- See also How To Stop Replaying Old Arguments in your mind. Its on the Positivity Blog, in the Related Resources, below.
- Do your chores with mindfulness (be fully present, engaged, feeling the sensations, and focused on doing them right), and you will be very pleasantly surprised that they become much less burdensome, even pleasant. And you will find yourself feeling a good deal better too. Here are some examples.
- Mindfulness in Everyday Tasks: 5 Ways Chores Can Make You Happier.
- 4 Household Chores That Can Make You More Mindful.
- Mindfulness Meditation for Cleaning.
- "Paying attention to one’s mind, body, feelings and mental content can do wonders for the inner state. Best of all, meditating [and practicing mindfulness] is not relegated to a specific pose, or time of day — it can be done anywhere at anytime, even while pushing a vacuum."
- The Marc and Angel Hack Life (about) website posts One Hard Thing Mentally Strong People Do When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned. They are referring to the practice of setting aside expectations in order to experience a new or changed approach with fresh eyes or a fresh state of mind.
- Their opening example invites you to "Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite and begin to taste it. You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected. Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal—nothing special at all. So, you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its [delightful] flavor, as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next. In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T." In both cases you lose a significant boost to your mood: you are disappointed because it was too tart, or you are indifferent because it tasted the way you expected. Conversely, by setting aside your expectations you can gain the boost of tasting a delightful tangerine just as it IS and instead have a very enjoyable experience either way. Their point is that you immediately feel better about that little experience merely by being present in the moment (without expectations); and you can apply that to life generally to feel better overall most of the time instead of being disappointed or indifferent. This article is worth the read; and the idea is worth considering for life's broader experiences more generally. Just be present in the moment for an enhanced mood of greater joy and happiness. It is a simple, easy, low-cost trial for a full-time better outlook in everything you do and think about.
- In a very similar vein, Psychology Today posts "Finding Happiness When Life Doesn’t Turn Out as You Planned," by Dr. Juliana Breines, a social and health psychologist whose research examines how self-compassion relates to stress reactivity, behavior change, and body image. "It [the happiness] might be where you least expect it," she says in the subtitle. Here are some quotations from the article:
- "The loss of an imagined future can involve a grieving process worthy of being taken seriously."
- "Savoring positive experiences can help people find more joy in life, especially in challenging times."
- "Recent studies show that people who think of their lives as journeys through adversity may experience a greater sense of meaning and purpose."
- "The following [headings, each with expanded ideas] are four strategies that can help us embrace a different life than the one we planned."
- "1. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the life you wanted."
- "2. Avoid idealizing other people’s lives."
- "3. Savor the good things." And ...
- "4. Re-imagine what a fulfilling life looks like."
- The World's Happiest Man? - Matthieu Ricard (Wiki), a 69 year-old Tibetan monk (in 2016), formerly a microbiologist at the Pasteur Institute in France, has recorded a TED talk you can listen to; and it has a transcript which you can use to follow along if (like me) reading while listening helps you understand. He talks of mind training (often characterized as meditation by some) that, at its essence, will "... determine the quality of every instant of our lives." Here are some quotes from the transcript. For those seeking happiness, this man's findings may be a very important input.
- "... there is a possibility for change because all emotions are fleeting. That is the ground for mind training. Mind training is based on the idea that two opposite mental factors cannot happen at the same time. You could go from love to hate. But you cannot, at the same time, toward the same object, the same person, want to harm and want to do good. You cannot, in the same gesture, shake hand and give a blow. So, there are natural antidotes to emotions that are destructive to our inner well-being. So that's the way to proceed. Rejoicing compared to jealousy. A kind of sense of inner freedom as opposite to intense grasping and obsession. Benevolence, loving kindness against hatred."
- And "... if you look at the thought of anger, it will vanish like frost under the morning sun. If you do this again and again, the propensity, the tendencies for anger to arise again will be less and less each time you dissolve it. And, at the end, although it may rise, it will just cross the mind, like a bird crossing the sky without leaving any track. So this is the principal of mind training."
- And "... mind training matters. That this is not just a luxury. This is not a supplementary vitamin for the soul. This is something that's going to determine the quality of every instant of our lives."
- Here are "3 Signs You Will Be Fine (Even If You Don’t Feel Fine Right Now)" to help you focus on the here and now, and avoid being a prisoner of the past (past failure, past unfair treatment, past misfortune, etc.) Things change. When they are bad, they get better in a while. Every time it rains, it stops raining. "People all over the world are constantly telling their one heartbreaking story, about how their entire life has turned into an exercise in coping with one particular unfair event from the past. Every present opportunity they have is then burned at the stake to fuel a fiery obsession with something that can’t be changed. The key is to realize that YOU don’t have to be one of these people."
- John Parrott (about) posts The Art Of Mindfulness: Why Mindfulness Matters with lots of tips on the why and how of just paying attention to the present moment for relaxation. Good stuff.
- The National Science Foundation has posted "New and diverse experiences linked to enhanced happiness, new study shows." This short article points out how focusing on the here and now, especially in new, or even in creating slightly-varied experiences can increase feelings of happiness and joy.
. Notes on "Make and Practice a Stress-free Morning Routine ..." ....
- The things you do and think about first thing when you wake up will set the tone for the day in ways you might not have predicted accurately. Focus on stress-free activities and thoughts, ... all before you even peek at your phone, tablet, laptop or TV. It puts you in a pro-active rather than reactive mode. Those who are faith-inspired will recognize this advice that spiritual advisers have been suggesting for centuries: morning prayer, meditation and scripture study where all of the emphasis is on the long term and important stuff as opposed to the shorter term, immediate and sometimes seemingly very urgent stuff of the moment. But the faith component is unimportant to the outcome: it is all about the first things you focus on, and their deliberately-chosen stress-free nature. Try including listing three things you are thankful for, do some mild stretching or exercising, listen to favorite music (or sing it yourself), meditate over a sunrise, smile at yourself in the mirror. All of these morning rituals are personal things that will vary for each individual. It will be very much worth your while to select elements of a morning routine that you find work well for you, ... maybe just for you, ... and change them up when needed for continuing effectiveness and satisfaction.
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- Here are some quick suggested articles for starters, ... or just google "morning rituals" for a current list. There are many available.
- 11 Morning Rituals That Can Change Your Life -- "Your morning can be that make-or-break time that sets you up for a good day or a bad day. Here are 11 habits you can establish that will put you on the path of stringing together good day after good day."
- 5 Morning Rituals to Keep You Productive All Day Long -- Exercise for 7 minutes, start green, pick three wins for the day, ...
- Do You Have A Morning Ritual? -- "A morning ritual is entirely about you. Sure, you’ll have to deal with other people at some point in your morning. If you’re lucky, you’ll get at least a few minutes of time just for you. This is your chance to center yourself and embrace your day instead of fleeing before it."
- 7 Morning Rituals That Will Change Your Life -- "What began as a way to get some extra time and maybe feel a little more balanced quickly turned into one of the single best decisions of my life. ... my new schedule, ... made me feel great. I felt more alert during the day, my mind felt clearer and more at ease, and the quality of the time I got to myself was much greater." Also: "I learned that what you do when you first wake up in the morning is a firm indicator of not only the quality of the day you’re going to have, but by extension, the quality of your entire life. Committing to a few positive morning rituals each day can absolutely change your life in just about every way imaginable."
- Sean Kim's "Complete Guide to Designing Your Morning Routines to Double Your Productivity" contains several examples of what some individuals do in the morning that help get them ready for a more proactive and productive day.
- Marc Chernoff posts "31 Morning Journaling Prompts that Will Change the Way You Think," which contains lots of good ideas about reading and writing for just 10 minutes in the morning, complete with 31 concise examples which will surely get you started if this idea appeals to your inner Journal keeper. You might be surprised to learn how effective writing is in focusing your thinking processes.
- The Barking Up The Wrong Tree blog (about) posts The 7 Step Morning Ritual That Will Make You Happy All Day. "We read a lot about this or that morning ritual that will make you productive. But what about one that makes you happy? Research shows that being happy actually makes you more productive. So let’s kill two birds with one stone and focus on smiles. What’s the first step? Here’s a little secret: happy mornings don’t start in the morning …" Barking ... also posts This Is The Best Way To Motivate Yourself To Exercise: 4 Proven Secrets, which has a section dealing with how exercise habits positively affect happiness and freedom from depression. "Exercise is as effective in treating depression as antidepressants. And if that ain’t enough, people who exercised had a lower relapse rate than those taking meds. ... After four months, all three groups experienced similar improvements in happiness. The very fact that exercise proved just as helpful as anti-depressants is remarkable, but the story doesn’t end here. The groups were then tested six months later to assess their relapse rate. Of those who had taken the medication alone, 38 percent had slipped back into depression. Those in the combination group were doing only slightly better, with a 31 percent relapse rate. The biggest shock, though, came from the exercise group: Their relapse rate was only 9 percent!"
- The One Thing Shark Tank’s Daymond John Does Every Morning to Reduce Stress, ... He's taken charge of his relationship with technology. (Spoiler alert: it is something he DOESN'T do that is important. He stays off social media and email to start his day).
- And do the same thing for an evening routine (a good morning starts the night before). Here are some example articles; or just google "evening rituals" for a current list.
- "Cultivate the Perfect Evening Routine to Avoid Insomnia and Fall Asleep Easier," from the LifeHacker blog (about).
- "10 Bedtime Rituals That Can Change Your Life," from bembu (about).
- "7 Evening Rituals To Have A Stress-Free Night, Every Night," from MindBodyGreen (about).
- "6 Evening Rituals of Highly Successful People," from Ivy Exec.
- Suzie Glassman posts "7 Ways Walking In the Morning Can Improve Your Well-being." "Research tells us the daily ritual can boost our physical and mental health," she says.
.Notes on "Practice regular meditation, ..." ...
- There are many forms of meditation. In its simplest form, we find a quiet place, sit comfortably and close our eyes.
- We focus on reciting some mantra such as "the bubbling brook runs onward," or simply pay attention to our breathing. Anything peaceful will do.
- The focus item itself is unimportant; the idea here is to have something to focus on, and to come back to as other thoughts melt away.
- When these other thoughts come, we neither resist them nor encourage them. We just take note of them, and let them fade.
- Momentary focus on our mantra or our breathing help in stilling our minds.
- The idea is for your conscious mind to be focusing on itself (or its own agenda) or on some inner sources.
- As the activities of the world around us fade, and this consciousness of self ascends, inner peace, joy and happiness come to the fore.
- Everyone experiences something different. But virtually all report greater peace and serenity, lowered stress levels, etc., both during their meditation sessions and afterward.
- Find a method that suits you; and make it a regular part of your daily routine. Marci Shimoff (above) says that meditation, more than any other single practice brought inner happiness and joy into her life.
- Many Internet-based and other sources for beginners are freely available. Just Google "meditation for beginners" or "meditation for dummies" and include the quotation marks in both cases. There are some tens of thousands of websites with these contents. Wiley's {they sell books, of course} post well-written pages "Discovering What Meditation Is All About," "Figuring Out How to Breathe Meditatively" and "Making Meditation a Part of Your Life" that will give you some starting ideas. All these are adapted from their book, Meditation For Dummies, and are freely available on the Internet without buying anything.
- "An Overview of Loving-kindness Meditation" is posted at Buddhanet.net with other helpful information and suggestions.
- Tom Crumb posts "The Art of Meditation" which provides a helpful introduction for busy westerners. He says that meditation "is achieving a place of deep connection and tranquility, where you are accessing a field of intelligence that is far greater than that derived from the ego or intellect."
- The Dumb Little Man [Tips For Life] blog posts Meditation Techniques for the Busy or Impatient that gives the boot to notions that special positions, equipment, or circumstances are required. Lots of good hints here.
- Meditation requires no resources, no company, no equipment, and your eyes don't even have to be open or focused. You can learn to do it anytime, anywhere to bring peace and serenity into your consciousness. Use it in the line-up at the bank: change from stress, frustration and impatience to calm, quiet tranquility.
- Tolle points out that the momentary focus on your breathing, for example, and doing it many times a day is far more important than how long you do it at a sitting. A few seconds often every day will do it, he says [A New Earth, pp. 243-46]. Over the long run, you will adjust the length of each session automatically to your own individual best duration. For the spiritually inclined, he points out the spiritual component of the breath by quoting from Genesis 2:7 - "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." He also points out that "breathing" in Sanskrit and German have their origins in "the indwelling divine spirit" or "God within." That resonated with my own Christian beliefs.
- As Drs. Aggie Casey and Herbert Benson put it in Mind Your Heart: A Mind/Body Approach To Stress Management, Exercise And Nutrition For Heart Health, “your mind quiets and negative thoughts fade as you focus on your body,” or your breathing; and “if you quiet the body, you can calm the mind.”
- The World's Happiest Man? - Matthieu Ricard (Wiki), a 69 year-old Tibetan monk (in 2016), formerly a microbiologist at the Pasteur Institute in France, has posted a very helpful introductory article "Beginning Meditation;" and he has recorded a TED talk you can listen to; and it has a transcript which you can use to follow along if (like me) reading while listening helps you understand. He talks of mind training (often characterized as meditation by some) that, at its essence, will "... determine the quality of every instant of our lives." Here are some quotes from the transcript. For those seeking happiness, this man's findings may be a very important input.
- "... there is a possibility for change because all emotions are fleeting. That is the ground for mind training. Mind training is based on the idea that two opposite mental factors cannot happen at the same time. You could go from love to hate. But you cannot, at the same time, toward the same object, the same person, want to harm and want to do good. You cannot, in the same gesture, shake hand and give a blow. So, there are natural antidotes to emotions that are destructive to our inner well-being. So that's the way to proceed. Rejoicing compared to jealousy. A kind of sense of inner freedom as opposite to intense grasping and obsession. Benevolence, loving kindness against hatred."
- And "... if you look at the thought of anger, it will vanish like frost under the morning sun. If you do this again and again, the propensity, the tendencies for anger to arise again will be less and less each time you dissolve it. And, at the end, although it may rise, it will just cross the mind, like a bird crossing the sky without leaving any track. So this is the principal of mind training."
- And "... mind training matters. That this is not just a luxury. This is not a supplementary vitamin for the soul. This is something that's going to determine the quality of every instant of our lives."
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.Notes on "Do things when they need to be done - avoid procrastination ..."
- The stress and anxiety you develop as the due date hangs over your head can displace your happiness. Shanel Yang's excellent piece, "Get a Handle on Procrastination" is very helpful in understanding procrastination. Shanel gives her experience in overcoming it in five steps. Shanel also recommends Eat That Frog by Brian Tracy (a book that gives 21 tips to stop procrastinating).
- Shanel's conclusion to "Get a Handle on Procrastination" is exceptionally good: "Imagine you’ve done all your big projects early, you have plenty of time to get the rest done without rushing, and you enjoy all your free time 100% guilt-free! I can tell you that feeling is totally addictive. You’ll crave as much as you can get as soon as you’ve had a taste of it." Very motivating.
- Many researchers speak of the ill effects of procrastination on happiness. Perfectionism is also a part of it for some people. See note on perfectionism, immediately below.
- Procrastination can become a habit that makes it much easier to put things off the next time. Soon, you become a procrastinator. It will take effort, but the investment in breaking this cycle will pay off over and over again throughout your lifetime.
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.Notes on "Regulate your appetites and passions (and even your perfectionism)." ...
- Some people suffer from perfectionism and do not know it. They have high standards; but they do not have sufficient exposure to the situations of others to recognize the perfectionism in their high standards. High standards are often a very good idea; sometimes they are essential. But if they are unrealistic, unattainable or unnecessary, they serve only to keep these people from enjoying the fulfilling satisfaction of doing something very well, or of delivering an excellent result in the grand scheme of things (and when compared to what many others accomplish). By acknowledging their perfectionism, they can regain the satisfaction of a job well done, and temper their rigid and over-idealized goals, sometimes without even taming the perfectionism by much. When perfection is the only goal sought after, anything less is often then viewed as failure. The silver medal winner is the second best at something in the whole world. How can that realistically (or profitably) be viewed as failure?
- This perfectionism is something to watch for. Sometimes it can just creep into your thinking without your noticing it. As mentioned above, a very interesting article deals with making a habit of broadening your outlook, which can lead to MUCH greater advancement in gaining happiness, well-being and success. "The 2 Mental Shifts Highly Successful People Make" will give you some insights. He quotes Stephen R. Covey in several places, and a number of other good sources. This idea has the potential to change your life in important ways, not just increased happiness. The author makes an interesting assertion about persons who have enjoyed early success: "They become perfectionist and paralyzed. They fear their best work is behind them." If you reflect on it, do you see perfectionism creeping into your thinking as you battle through some of your adversities, especially the ones that seem to be keeping you from attaining the happiness and joy you seek? The mental shifts in this article may be helpful in dealing with your creeping perfectionism, and help you with the happiness you seek.
- Another very helpful article from Thrive (about) entitled "The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism at Work," provides some strong insights. Here are a few quotes:
- "In the 1940s and 50s, Maria Callas became one of classical music’s best-selling vocalists and today is still considered by many to be the greatest operatic soprano of all time. Yet this diva’s career became an example of how striving for perfection can eat away at excellence. Callas developed a “perfectionism that grew ever more fierce,” reported the Washington Post. The soprano pushed herself to be flawless at the expense of her health and relationships, at work and outside, and her physical and mental health began suffering. Callas’s expectations of perfection weighed so heavily that she eventually had a hard time singing, leading her to put strain on herself and everyone around her. In recapping her career, she said, “I never lost my voice, but . . . I lost my courage.”"
- A research team "analyzed data from more than forty thousand college students, showing that the majority had significantly higher scores than previous generations on measures of: irrational personal desire to never fail; perceiving excessive expectations from others; and placing unrealistic standards on those around them."
- "There is plenty of research to suggest that social media is contributing to this rising fear of failure, pressuring young adults especially to compare their own work achievements to their peers’. We see this with students who worry about achieving high marks, where motivation is driven by fears of negative outcomes."
- "... a few methods we’ve found in our leadership coaching practice that are helpful in leading those with perfectionist tendencies."
- "Method 1: Clarify What Good Enough Is--We know that most managers have no desire to handhold their people, and they rightfully worry about micromanaging, but with employees who tend toward perfectionism it’s important to guide them clearly through the standards they are looking for."
- "Method 2: Be Open About Your Own Missteps"
- "Method 3: Treat Failures as Learning Opportunities--"Let’s have a productive discussion [without blaming or finger-pointing] about how we go forward to learn and get better.” What followed was an hour spent brainstorming about potential investments that could help them learn from the setback."
- "Method 4: Regularly Check in on Progress"
- There is another component here, too: be content with what you have (or can get). Don't be cynical or sarcastic about it. Rather, look for the good (even the delightful) in what is present or achievable, rather than what is missing or impossible for you to achieve. Then, be thankful for it, enjoy it and derive happiness from it. The happiness benefit comes only from how you look at it. There is no work or effort about it at all.
- See also the 6th Fundamental of Fordyce and an article by Gretchen Rubin (notes, above), Lower The Bar (both of which contain comments on the pitfalls of goal-based happiness). Both acknowledge that it is controversial; yet both offer some very compelling evidence from their research and that of others. Don't let your expectations for the future get in the way of enjoying life for what it is just now. Just think of it as "clearing away hurdles." And don't bypass happiness that does derive from accomplishment either. It can be significant. The thing to avoid here is depending on your expectations concerning the future to deliver happiness. It can backfire more often than it delivers.
- The regulation of appetites and passions is part of the wider dictum of the ages: "live a life of virtue." The ancients were right when they emphasized honor, kindness, virtue, right living, honesty, goodwill, temperance, prudence, etc. If you are living a pretense or saying one thing while doing another, happiness will elude you no matter what practices and techniques you bring to your endeavor. As Einstein reportedly observed, "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Be sure to also consider this bigger picture in your quest for greater peace and happiness. Ensure that you are cultivating your seeds of technique and practice in the soil and sunshine of right living. The Buddhists teach it as the Noble Eightfold Path (right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration). And Covey teaches similar prerequisite underlying principles (fairness, integrity, honesty, human dignity) for success in life, in business and in personal happiness.
- Take a peek at Gretchen Rubin's (see notes, above) short article "Why and How I Quit Sugar." There are lots of reasons to quit or reduce the amounts of sugar we eat. This is an abbreviated description of what worked for her, recognizing that there is not a one-size-fits-all solution that works for everybody, or even that has the same benefits for everybody. But she feels better and happier having decided to quit sugar altogether, and gives hints on ways to approach diet and other changes for people with other tendencies. It is a thought-provoking piece that will be helpful for some people, maybe you. For a tonne more articles on how sugar consumption can be related to happiness in different ways for different people, just Google "sugar and happiness" (without the quotes). Perhaps there is something there that will work wonders for you in your quest for greater happiness and joy.
- The TED podcast and transcript "Breaking Up with [your] Perfectionism" provides helpful ideas in learning about your perfectionism, identifying it, and curbing its adverse effects. Focusing on making headway to an attainable standard, using your mistakes and failures as focal points for learning and advancing can be more helpful than aiming for unattainable perfection, especially in sporting and other endeavors where measurement has a scale containing "perfection" as the end point.
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.Notes on "Be thankful and grateful for, and content with what you have." ...
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- When you are thinking "I feel so angry I can't think of a single thing to be thankful for" or "My life is a cesspool" find some glimmer of brightness somewhere in the day. For example ...
The list is endless. Write them down. Review and add to them sometimes.
- the sun shone,
- somebody smiled,
- it didn't snow (or it didn't snow that much),
- the bus did not run over me at the stop,
- I was able to sit erect for breakfast,
- modern medical technology is wonderful,
- watching a waterfall is so restful,
- the birds are singing outside my window; I can sing too,
- the cedar forest smells so good, especially after the rain,
- I am free to choose what I think about,
- my youngster looks so peaceful when he's asleep,
- that baby kitten is so cute, ... ...
- I learned to read and write,
- I can appreciate a large range of items of beauty: sunrises, meadows, gardens, a puppy, ... ...
- my bed is comfortable,
- that class of kindergartners on a field trip is so full of energy, enthusiasm and adventure,
- indoor plumbing is such a great convenience,
- watching a baby's first steps brings such joy,
- my immune system takes care of lots of risks and discomforts all by itself,
. You will be surprised that when you find a single thing that was positive or helpful (especially if you write it down), your brain will start to think of others much more easily. And some will be humorous, which itself will help. Soon you will fill the page. Do this especially just before bed time. This allows you to go to sleep on a more positive note.
- Note also that pleasant experiences need a little nudge to set them into our memories as effectively as the hurtful experiences seem to set themselves naturally. See the note on dwelling on pleasant experiences below, under the Optimism notes.
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- This "attitude of gratitude" can become infectious. You may find yourself wanting to get into that "counting my blessings" frame of mind. Not only does it make you feel better at the moment, but it is also healing you and helping you along the road to more frequent and longer-lasting happiness. Here are a very few example blessings you may want to think about (in case you need help getting started): family, music, sunrises, sunsets, rain, health, medicine (medical technology, know-how), food, TV, personal computers, tablets, smart phones, indoor plumbing, transportation, central heat, the Internet, reading/writing/arithmetic (public education and personal learning), democracy, freedom, freedom to think/act/believe, microwave ovens, telephones, warm house/clothes/bed, photography, roads/sidewalks, tools and knowing how to use them, pets and other animals, soil and growing things, national defense and police forces, employment, voluntary service, having a choice about what to eat for dinner, seeing, hearing, touching, laughing, walking, ... ...
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- In these practices (forgiveness, goodwill and loving kindness, as with many of the others) you are not changing any of the reality you are facing, you are just changing your focus. Some people are simply not able to have any pleasant thoughts about some events or people. The suggestion here is to focus these concepts and practices first toward yourself, then on members of your family and close friends. With these groups you will often be more successful. Then, as you feel better, focus on acquaintances, neighbors, humanity in general, and finally extend these thoughts to your enemies when you feel ready.
- If you cannot muster personal contact, think in a kindly and loving way about somebody you like, or an event that was pleasant, then expand to others.
- Say a prayer in their behalf, express gratitude, and request a divine blessing if you are spiritually inclined.
- Remember that you are not condoning the bad actions of your enemies, letting them off in any sense, or even thinking about letting them back into your life. You are just "letting go" [see also the notes on the "Let go of ... baggage" item] to help yourself.
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- The Happy for No Reason workbook (link above) contains headings and helpful exercises concerning all these practices. Remember Marci's note: "What you appreciate, appreciates."
- Arianna Huffington has posted on Thrive Global (about) a gem of wisdom about thankfulness: "The Small Miracle of Gratitude: There’s practically nothing it can’t do." In this short but delightful piece, she points out [my emphasis] the following: "When you find yourself in that stop-the-world-I-want-to-get-off mindset, gratitude is the brake lever. Gratitude helps us reset and gives us perspective. We think of gratitude as a coda, an add-on, something that comes at the end. But in fact, gratitude is the beginning. And when we practice it, it sets off a chain reaction of positive benefits." She also quotes the results of a powerful practice that anybody can implement: “intentionally bringing into awareness the tiny, previously unnoticed elements of the day” and "take time to feel it." It is definitely worth the small time investment to focus for a moment on this one. It also includes links to the reference sources for further enlightenment. Thank you, Arianna.
- Arianna has also posted "My Word of the Year: 'Resilience'." We often think of resilience as a "bouncing back" from some adversity; but Arianna points out that "the key part of resilience isn’t about bouncing back, it’s about bouncing forward. It’s about using adversity as a catalyst to get better and become stronger." It is worth the read, in my opinion, for a more balanced perspective on adversity in general, and the pandemic in particular.
- And Bryan Robinson, also at Thrive Global (about) has posted "How to Move Forward After Experiencing a Setback." He points out that "When we confront our mistakes and embrace them, we can use our moments of disappointment to propel us forward."
- And in a similar vein, Selda Koydemir has posted on Psyche "How to be resilient," where resilience is "the ability to navigate successfully through, and recover from, stressful circumstances or crisis situations, and to do so in a way that leads to healthy functioning over time."
- Kristin Wong posts on Lifehacker (about) a tome titled, "Why Gratitude Makes You a Happier Person." She cites sections on How to Harness Gratitude, Change Your State of Mind with a Gratitude Session, Gratitude Makes You Resilient, Gratitude Improves Your Relationships, Gratitude Makes You Feel More in Control, and others. It is an easy read with many good ideas to help you use gratitude in helping increase your happiness.
- Gregory Ciotti (other articles) at Help Scout (about) has posted "The Psychological Benefits of Writing" which focuses on the benefits of writing these things down. His sections Writing and happiness, Writing and handling hard times, Writing and gratitude, Writing and your “mental tabs”, Writing and learning and Writing as leadership at scale provide a helpful context about how happiness can be derived merely through the practice of writing about an event, condition or circumstance.
- Be glad and thankful that you are as happy as you are. By paying attention to it, your happiness increases. As you pay attention to the positive in the present, you experience greater happiness and diminish the hold that past mistreatment (or fear of future mistreatment) might otherwise have. Don't spend any time focusing on what you do not want (misery and unhappiness); rather, focus on what you do want (happiness, contentment and joy). What you focus on is what you get more of; and what you ignore is what diminishes. Also ask, "What can I learn from this?" And count it as a blessing (opportunity to learn and to become a better person). Move on at the higher level of happiness.
- For an oft-cited paper with a little more reading (and a big pay-off in increased understanding of the effects of gratitude on your happiness), see "Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life" by Robert A. Emmons (Wiki bio) in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (about). "Grateful responses to life ... can lead to peace of mind, happiness, physical health, and deeper, more satisfying personal relationships." How good is that?
- OutWitTrade (about) has posted "Why Is Gratitude Important For Recovery, Success, Mental Health And More?" among many postings. It contains a tonne of reader-submitted entries about thankfulness and expressions of gratitude that have helped them in recovery and in life.
- Harvard Health Publishing (about) has posted "Giving thanks can make you happier." It provides an overview of the role of gratitude in obtaining happiness with suggestions you can try.
- MIT posts a video Gratitude@MIT which, though aimed at Engineers, has wide applicability. It is only 3:12. Definitely worth a stop when you have three minutes to devote to something worthwhile. The video provides concrete steps anybody can take as starting points on a journey to greater happiness and joy through a gratitude mindset.
- Take a peek at this Guardian piece by Moya Sarner (her other articles): "Is gratitude the secret of happiness? I spent a month finding out." Moya starts out by lamenting the "formalised, prescribed and premeditated gratitude" of being sat down by a parent to write a bunch of thank you notes to her benefactors as a child after receiving birthday gifts. But she saw benefits after trying to express gratitude in her diary about other things when she did it on her own. She cites lots of helpful examples others found in simply focusing on the more positive aspects of life rather than the more negative ones. She does not mention it specifically, but my own view was that it was the balancing of the negative with the positive that helped them.
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- Another helpful piece has been posted by Greater Good Magazine (about): "How Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain," by Joshua Brown and Joel Wong. Among other activities, they worked with college students suggesting they write gratitude letters to people who had helped them. An interesting finding was that the gratitude letters were a helpful exercise, even if they never actually sent them.
- The Slate article "The Grim Secret of Nordic Happiness" points out that a balanced view is also helpful. It is all about being "well enough off" and not a lot worse off than others. If you can think of yourself as that well off or that happy, and do it with at least a little sense of gratitude, then you are part way there, even though your situation and circumstances have not changed otherwise.
- Additional notes on Thankfulness and Gratitude.
- Gratitude (as an attitude or frame of mind, either expressed or not) is almost a subject by itself: both as a principle for life guidance, and as a potential remedy for sadness and depression (and even other opposites like entitlement, envy and resentment). This section contains a further reading list of articles on the benefits, the alternative methods that can be employed, the whys and wherefores of focusing your thinking on it, gratitude's different aspects and many more ideas and concepts. There is even an article that points out how selfish it is to use gratitude to improve your own mood [and writers who also complained about that]. Most of what is on this page elsewhere focuses on how balancing your otherwise more negative thoughts with some kind and generous (and thankful) thoughts can be helpful. The note on selfishness is not entirely specious; rather it might be looked at as something like balancing the balancing. Everything has its downsides, drawbacks, counterpoints, excesses and superficialities, of course. And this list of articles is intended to help you to broaden your focus on thankfulness as a state of mind (independent of its benefits and/or costs), and perhaps as a starting point for bolstering your mental health and for further research in areas that strike you as promising. This whole business of looking for happiness, contentment and joy is a highly individual thing, after all. What works for some may not work as well [or at all] for others. Since it is your happiness we are working toward, it is the ideas that capture your imagination as being potentially helpful that will likely be most fruitful in that quest.
- "I skeptically tried practicing gratitude. It completely changed my life."
- "Supported by solid research and ultimately confirmed by numerous longer-term studies, the field [positive psychology] had burgeoned by the time I learned about it. "The gratitude thing," as I had called it, was but one small and simple element of the practice. Kind of like training the brain to focus on joy, my friend Heidi explained. "It's only a week," she urged. "Try it." I did. And guess what? It worked. Every day for a week, I found five distinct things for which I was thankful. They had to be different every day. I couldn't get away with just being grateful for my wonderful husband. But I could, suggested Collie Conoley, another colleague and noted positive psychologist, express my gratitude for specific aspects of a certain person each day."
- "How Writing 365 Thank-You Notes Helped Me Reconnect with What’s Important in My Life."
- "Writing the notes wasn’t all that time-consuming: Each was two or three sentences long, taking just a few minutes to compose. I focused on the person I was writing to and what I wanted to say, and the words came fairly easily. I quickly learned I couldn’t do it while listening to a podcast or toggling between articles. That focus felt refreshing. It was good for my brain, which had been trained to wander, alighting on this feed or that e-mail, darting from app to app. It felt meditative to look at a blank white space with a pen in my hand, thinking about a person and the way he or she had helped me."
- "The Secret to Writing a Truly Heartfelt Thank-You Note."
- Received a present? Consider a thank-you note mandatory. There is no substitute for this one. You do not get a pass if you didn’t ask for the gift, if you don’t like the gift, or if you said, “Hey, thanks,” when it was handed to you. Be concise but specific. The note doesn’t have to be long (three or four sentences is just fine), ..., and your appreciation for the sender’s time, effort, and thoughtfulness. Make your thank-you note authentic. And what you write must sound like you. Saying that the serving piece is “absolutely stunning” when words like that have never crossed your lips will come across as insincere, says Anna Post of the Emily Post Institute. Try to use the same tone as you would to the reader in person. Make the reader feel special. Addressing your appreciation for the sender him or herself will have a powerful effect on someone you care about (“I feel so lucky to have a friend like you.”) ... ...
- "7 Daily Habits of Naturally Grateful People."
- They pay attention, They do more than just count their blessings. They spread the love. They keep a journal. They see the good in others. They slow down. They teach the habit to their kids.
- "16 Powerful Quotes to Remind You to Be Grateful Every Single Day."
- I particularly liked “Piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude.” ppp
- "A.J. Jacobs Thanked One Thousand People For His Morning Coffee—He Likes It That Much."
- On selfishness, ... "... When I'm depressed, I'm focused solely on myself. When I'm grateful I'm happier and more likely to help others. Gratitude is an enabler."
- "4 Small Ways to Practice Gratitude Every Day."
- "... What you’re likely not as familiar with is the impressive body of research suggesting gratitude—as an emotional experience, a character trait, and a practice—is associated with a wide array of improvements in mental health and well-being."
- "... the people who practiced gratitude had “evident differences” in many self-reported measures of mental health and well-being, like happiness, life satisfaction, grateful mood, grateful disposition, positive affect, depression, optimism, and quality of relationships."
- "The Healing Powers of Gratitude."
- "As we’ll look at in depth, gratitude is something that can exist “alongside the very real and understandable negative emotions that most of us are experiencing right now,” not in place of them, Moskowitz says. In fact, gratitude may help us better weather and recover from these hard times."
- "Use Gratitude to Counter Stress and Uncertainty."
- "... Gratitude is an emotion that grounds us and is a great way to balance out the negative mindset that uncertainty engenders, ..."
- "Think of your mind like your digestive system — what you put in it impacts how you feel. When you flood your mind with a constant flow of worry, envy, resentment, and self-criticism (compounded by a barrage of news and other media) it negatively impacts you. ..."
- "... When we take time to focus on what we are grateful for, we choose positive emotions over negative, thus we take steps to nurture our mental health and wellbeing."
- "How do we trigger gratitude in ourselves? It’s simple. We take time to shift our focus."
- "When you find yourself stuck in a constant state of worry, or hyper focused on what is not working around you, try to pause for a second and ask yourself one or two of the following questions. What have I gotten to learn recently that has helped me grow?", etc.
- "By taking time to write down our answers, we consciously redirect our attention to that which we are grateful for ..." When we write we use different brain circuits than we use when we think about something, or discuss it with others [or, verbalize it with ourselves. See "Talking out loud to yourself is a technology for thinking." See also "On the Gradual Formation of Thoughts During Speech."]. This can give us added helpful perspective.
- "If we want to be able to keep running in this race with no clear finish line [as with facing the current Covid pandemic], we need to learn to take better care of the runner. Although there is no one solution, learning to trigger gratitude may help us cope along the way."
- "Why Gratitude Is Good."
- "Gratitude journals and other gratitude practices often seem so simple and basic; in our studies, we often have people keep gratitude journals for just three weeks. And yet the results have been overwhelming. We’ve studied more than one thousand people, from ages eight to 80, and found that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of benefits: ... " <big long list>
- "The Best Wellness, Gratitude, and Happiness Journals, According to Therapists and Journalers."
- This is mainly a commercial offering; but it gives you some ideas about the alternatives to try, all without buying anything.
- For parents: "How to Raise Grateful Kids in an Era of Thankless People."
- We've all been here: "On a Saturday afternoon, you take your three kids to a movie they’ve wanted to see, then to their favorite hamburger spot for dinner, followed by ice cream. When they get home, they want to watch a movie on Netflix. When you tell them you think they’ve had enough screen time for the day and you’d like them to do something else, they complain that they have nothing to do."
- It can seem a bit contrived, but often it brings enjoyment with practice: "Appreciate family members. Find the natural opportunities in family life to express appreciation. In our family we would sometimes start dinner or a family meeting with a round of “appreciations.” Each of us would express our appreciation for whatever other family members had done for us that week ... . It didn’t take long but always produced a lot of good feelings."
- "How to make gratitude a way of life."
- "There are many ways to cultivate a disposition of thankfulness. One is to make a habit of giving thanks regularly—at the beginning of the day, at meals and the like, and at day’s end. Likewise, holidays, weeks, seasons, and years can be punctuated with thanks—grateful prayer or meditation, writing thank-you notes, keeping a gratitude journal, and consciously seeking out the blessings in situations as they arise."
- "How Cultural Differences Shape Your Gratitude."
- "Americans tend to be very individualistic, in contrast with collectivist cultures that put much more emphasis on the social group. This is an important distinction, because (despite their underrepresentation in gratitude research) 85 percent of the world’s population lives in cultures that researchers deem as more collectivist. In such cultures, people put greater emphasis on harmony and honoring others—values that would support the connective gratitude we see more in China and South Korea, which pays back kindness with things others might actually want. In fact, one study found that the more respect Chinese children show to parents, the more grateful they are."
- "Choose to Be Grateful. It Will Make You Happier."
- "The psychologist Martin Seligman, father of the field known as “positive psychology,” gives some practical suggestions on how to do this. In his best seller “Authentic Happiness,” he recommends that readers systematically express gratitude in letters to loved ones and colleagues. A disciplined way to put this into practice is to make it as routine as morning coffee. Write two short emails each morning to friends, family or colleagues, thanking them for what they do."
- Authors and contributors in the articles "The Selfish Side of Gratitude" and "Two Sides of Gratitude" point out that there is more to expressing your feelings of thankfulness than a thoughtful 'thank you' note. They speak of the value (and benefit) of actually doing something [yourself] to make things better is also a part of it. And that is always a helpful thought to keep in mind, of course. In my own view, though, it needn't keep us from doing the 'thank you' note part of it by itself, if that is what we are up to today.
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.Notes on "For those who are faith inspired, ..."
- These faith-inspired and spiritually-centered beliefs and practices are very powerful; but it apparently does not matter what they are in detail. It is the strength with which they are held that makes them effective in helping people feel the happiness they are seeking. The point here is that although research does not identify any specific beliefs as being more helpful than others; searching out, learning about and practicing your deeply-held beliefs has great potential to help you to achieve greater happiness. Joining a study group at your church, mosque, temple, mandir, synagogue or other meeting place [or electronic forum] can be a big help with these questions; and the social interaction and new friendships among like-minded people can only be helpful in your happiness quest also.
- Zat Rana has posted a very interesting piece for those with a spiritual side, but who are a bit leery of the failings of organized institutional religious tradition and dogma. Its title is "Why Everybody Needs a Personal Religion." If you just Google "Personal Religion" there are a great many more. The significant point here is that everybody already has their own personal religion, be it some form of agnosticism or even atheism, or just their own unique understanding of some already-named religion in which they participate, sometimes one with a very long history, and sometimes even one with a very large number of adherents, including all the ones which make claims to being the only true one. If you ask any two adherents of any religion about their beliefs, you get at least two different answers. For sure, the main point here is the inner peace and tranquility that you derive from deeply-pursued and deeply-held values and beliefs, and on which you can rely in your life's quests. Having your own personal religion can bring you all those benefits with none of the costs of trying to shoehorn yourself into some pre-defined space. The result can be a BIG boost to your personal happiness, inner peace and joy.
- Thomas Moore has written A Religion of One’s Own: A Guide to Creating a Personal Spirituality in a Secular World (review), a three-part interview about which provides a good summary (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3). Moore emphasizes the worth of holding a personalized view of these deeply-pursued and deeply-held values and beliefs. Says he: "... we all need various forms of transcendence. That’s the whole thrust of Buddhism; Christianity is all about transcending a narcissistic way of life through love of one’s neighbor; and the Sufi poets suggest finding divinity wherever you turn." In terms of expanding our view of religion, he also says "When we look with different eyes and see the sacred where it’s normally not seen, for example, we can see that a farmer who never goes to church, who doesn’t believe in God or talk about “holy this or holy that,” who watches television and reads the newspaper (like my uncle did) and who spends his time outside tending animals, growing things in the fields and watching the weather, can be more spiritual than someone who goes to church. So in that sense, my uncle is a very good model of a person who is religious, but who doesn’t look religious. The Catholic Church may have a wafer of bread—but the farmer’s got the wheat."
- Now some further notes on spirituality: your own individual spirituality.
After you have had even just a little peek at Thomas Moore immediately above, and as you pursue your happiness quest, think about how your own spirituality affects your quest. If you can think of your own "higher self" as a spirit being, descended from a Spirit Parent, then you can tap into that love that new Mothers experience. I have heard more than a few new Moms say, "I never, ever thought that I could feel love like I feel it for my newborn infant!" And that is a profound discovery for each Mother (and for you). It is that love upon which your happiness depends importantly, especially when you learn to direct also to yourself. Maybe you have to imagine how your own Mom felt as she held you for the very first time. If she is alive, ask her about it.
Try to consider your own spirituality as an asset to leverage effectiveness in your quest for happiness. Do it even if you have no faith, no [officially named organized] religion, are an agnostic or an atheist. We're talking here about your own personal spirituality or uninstitutionalized religion (as in Thomas Moore above). In that world, you don't have to be concerned at all about conforming to the rubric or dogma of any established form. You simply embark on a quest for truth, and see if applying your own spirituality (however you define it) is likely to be any help.
Use an age-old and very simple-to-prove method invoked through a very simple trial.
Inquire (from your heart in your sincerity, through meditation, prayer, contemplation, etc.). ... ASK your higher power (God/Source/Creator) the following ...
A. S. K.
Ask and it shall be given unto you;
Seek and ye shall find;
Knock and it shall be opened unto you.
A. S. K. {See Matt 7:7 and Luke 11:9}
{See also 3 Nephi 14:8 For every one that asketh,
receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth;
and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.}
Think for just a moment about testing the Universe to see if this spirituality thing has any merit. Consider for just a moment if you have any hint of vestigial Christian inklings (or once had been exposed to them in your youth, or even if you never heard any of it). ASK if there really is a higher power (God/Source/Creator), His Son, Jesus Christ or a Holy Ghost (or Holy Spirit). The latter testifies of God and His Son by shedding itself abroad to fill the immensity of space, ... including reaching you wherever you are in that immensity (or in your own individual mindspace).
Consider a quest for eternal truth as a proxy for your quest for happiness. In this pursuit, you uncover through your own spirituality, your own higher power (God/Source/Creator) whose eternal truths you can rely upon. [Moroni 10:5-7].
5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.
6 And whatsoever thing is good is just and true; wherefore, nothing that is good denieth the Christ, but acknowledgeth that He is.
7 And ye may know that He is, by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore I would exhort you that ye deny not the power of God; for He worketh by power, according to the faith of the children of men, the same today and tomorrow, and forever.
You will quickly learn that "love" is at the center of everything, or IS everything. This connection, which begins as you think of your spiritual parent, is the essence of eternal truth. Its sibling "kindness" is right along side of it. Imagine yourself thinking like the Dalai Lama, who says "kindness is my religion." He has a great deal to say about life; he always says it well; and he lives it. His teachings are very easy to find. They are everywhere.
Consider a second look at the age-old simplicity of "Love God; Love your neighbor" as being the two pillars upon which everything else depends. [Matt 22:38-40]. As you master these two, your happiness expands and grows and blossoms and bears fruit in ways you have never imagined. They are the first two laws of the universe. The Dalai Lama has already mastered them. And so has your dog. They are both very good models.
If these two simplicities are true, then the higher power (God/Source/Creator) will make good on your query: All you need to do is ASK from the sincerity of your heart. You don't even need faith that they might be true. You can simply make it your ASK and see what happens. You have only a very small investment in making your trial query. And if He makes good on His word, then you might have hit the jackpot in your happiness quest.
Give Him time to respond on His timetable. He has a much broader view than you have; and will be responding in ways unimaginable, and at times indeterminate to our mere mortal minds. Listen. Watch. Ponder. Meditate. Pray. Listen some more. Ferret out all the occurrences in your life. His answers are in there. As you discover them with your mind and your spirituality, they will expand your happiness in ways that will enlighten you like your Mom was enlightened when she first held you.
You simply pursue this eternal truth wherever it takes you. Legion are the enquirers who have found answers to a very large number of questions besides those which you pose in your quest for happiness. Happiness becomes a trivial subset of the much greater quest: what is eternal truth? And your own happiness abounds at every turn because you are learning so much and so fast that you can hardly contain your enthusiasm. You become one of those Hi-Hope people for whom anything is now possible {just Google "Hi-hope Psychology" without the quotation marks--by itself hope is another powerful ally in your quest for happiness}. And life becomes nothing less than a scramble to achieve all the learning you can consume. OR, you can pursue it at your leisure, knowing there is likely no limit to the amount of eternal truth you can find that is presently well beyond the capacity of your mere mortal mind. Moreover, as a bonus, you will discover also the importance of many other virtues: gratitude and forgiveness principal among them. Learning about all these virtues will augment your search for happiness. They are all discussed liberally on this page, and in many, many other places.
How good would that be? And if you, looking back, can spot all the fruits of your erstwhile quest for happiness, you'll already be way ahead of me in the precision search that will deliver you that needle in the haystack of all the eternal truths you will have uncovered.
About a zillion tonnes of helpful information has been posted by mere mortals on spirituality that has nothing to do with any organized religion. And since you are in pursuit of your own personal spirituality, such is irrelevant anyhow. You are tapping into a very powerful ally in your quest that you might not have considered otherwise.
It is all worth a try, methinks.
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- Covey says that humility is the mother of all virtues. By subjecting ourselves to the principles which will govern the outcome, we will be able to make better choices than simply saying "just do it my way," or "I am going to do this my way, no matter what."
- Vickey Pahnke Taylor's Goodness Matters website {Christian themes} offers articles along with inspirational thoughts. They also sell books, CDs, etc.
- "An Overview of Loving-kindness Meditation" is posted at Buddhanet.net with other helpful information and suggestions.
- The May You Be Blessed website offers a very pleasant 4 1/2 min movie with lots of pretty photos. It is very relaxing and uplifting.
- The 7 1/2 min video The Gentle Art of Blessing provides notes on leaving a mental blessing on all those you encounter and pass in life. It is a very relaxing and enjoyable few minutes, with pleasant scenes, music, and etc.
- For those who are faith inspired, have perhaps been raised to avoid sexually-related topics growing up, and are looking for reliable information about lovemaking that is consistent with Christian religious thought, an active Latter-day Saint couple has writen a tasteful and frank discussion that is very helpful and long overdue: "And It Was Very Good: A Latter-day Saint’s Guide to Lovemaking."
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.Notes on "Optimism ... may be the most important attitude leading to increased happiness. ..."
- Optimism as an attitude or mindset, shares the "perhaps most important" designation with Social interaction, as an activity. These two happiness assets are often seen to contribute more to increased happiness than do other attitudes and/or activities. Thus, they are listed together at the top of many lists of ways to increase happiness.
- The faith-inspired may find it helpful to think: God is not sending/allowing things against me; He is sending/allowing things for me (or for my good). God can make even something bad work out for your good. If you spend your time thinking about the good side, you will feel happier overall (even though neither the pain nor the immediate outcome may be changed). And remember: "The answer to prayer is not according to your faith while you are talking, but according to your faith while you are working." [Wallace D. Wattles, in The Science of Getting Rich, Chapter 8--see entry on Wattles above with links to the components].
- Here is The Optimist's Creed by Christian D. Larson, published in 1912.
- Promise yourself ...
- To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
- To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
- To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
- To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
- To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
- To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
- To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
- To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
- To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
- To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear; and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
- To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but in great deeds.
- To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
- Don't forget Joel Osteen's advice on optimistic thinking (above) - he may be the most optimistic man on the planet. And his suggestions are very infectious.
. - Keep in mind that our brains are naturally wired to take threats and bad experiences much more seriously than opportunities and pleasant experiences. Psychologists call it the negativity bias. Our brains are wired that way because it can mean survival if we remember that a rattle snake is poisonous (and can kill us); whereas, only a fleeting pleasure is lost if we forget how good we felt when so-and-so encouraged us. The lesson we can take from that is to be optimistic and positively savor or dwell on the pleasant experiences deliberately for 15 to 30 seconds. That easy technique will set them into our memories as firmly as a two second recognition of a threat or other bad experience. By routinely practicing this technique, we can get all the benefits of both, and improve our happiness noticeably. If we regularly practice gratitude (see Notes on Be Thankful ..., above), we can use that process as a mechanism to momentarily dwell on the positive, and get two benefits.
- The bottom line here is that the negative/hurtful things stay in our brains because of some ancient survival process; and we can get the same benefit from positive/helpful things by optimistically and consciously dwelling on them for 15-30 seconds whenever they occur. It can be a small investment for a big positive return.
- Cleverism posts a paper Business, Career, Career tips, Communication, Leadership, Personal development: How to Collaborate with and Influence People Using the SCARF Model in which they point out the social component noting that "In today’s interconnected world the ability to collaborate with other people is an increasingly important part of workplace communication. In order to understand how to better manage bigger groups and improve co-operation, it’s important to comprehend what drives social behavior." They also "... examine one model explaining this behavior, called the SCARF model [and] explain the basics behind the theory, the way it explains the approach and avoid responses, and how you can use it to decrease the threats and increase the sense of reward when collaborating with others." Decreasing the threats and increasing the sense of reward more generally can help us in our quest for greater happiness in our dealings with others.
- Keep also in mind that positive thinking by itself only rarely changes the reality you are facing (though often you see a better side of it because you have been focusing on that side too). Rather, you just feel better about things generally because you have stoked your mind with the positive side as well as the negative side that brought you to your quest for greater happiness in the first place.
- A NY Times post, "Turning Negative Thinkers Into Positive Ones," has a good list of things you can do to become a more positive thinker and gain the happiness and outlook and health benefits of doing so. It is a no-cost endeavor that can bring you a big pay-out over the long term.
- Tim Dowling has posted a clever piece in the Guardian "Glass half-full: how I learned to be an optimist in a week" that may appeal to both pessimists and realists. His first entry in a mini-journal of his thoughts was, "This is never going to work." He was really surprised when his optimism test score improved after only a week; and his breezy, skeptical approach leaves the reader with lots of ideas and strategies to think about, even when they are also very sure it cannot work at all, never mind in a week.
- Thrive Global (about) has posted "How to Build Hopeful Beliefs and Develop a Resilient Mindset." Bernadette Mazurek Melnyk, Ph.D., offers tips to help you reframe in times of stress and uncertainty. "Daily practices such as monitoring your mood, stopping negative thoughts, saying positive statements about yourself, mindfulness or living in the present, and taking a moment of gratitude are all quick actions that Dr. Melnyk explains can help build hopeful beliefs. She provides great examples of how you can integrate these practices into your daily life, even with the long hours you may be working."
- Angel Chernoff posts "3 Great Ways to Force Yourself to Be More Grateful (and a Little Happier)" with some surprising ideas, too. Who would think that forcing yourself to smile as you think of something to be grateful for would be any help at all? But participants who tried it "found that this consistently stimulated mental activity associated with positive feelings and emotions." Not just surprising. These are things you can try for free all by yourself and see what happens to your mood. The article has lots of links to their other work on the Mark and Angel blog, where they post a tonne of ideas for improving your mood and lots of other self-development strategies.
- Penultimately, there is an obtuse view of this "positive thinking" aspect of your search for happiness, that, for some people will have appeal too. The idea is that some people's patience is just exhausted by the concept of being optimistic, or always thinking on the positive side. For them, it is just so much baloney. Oliver Burkeman has written a clever, even humorous book, "The Antidote: Happiness for people who cannot stand positive thinking." You can read about it on Amazon (link to Amazon's sales blurb); and several of the Amazon Reviews were helpful to lots of readers. Some of the reviewers articulate quite well that over-zealous elimination (even active evasion) of negative thinking creates its own anxieties, and leads away from happiness for those people rather than drawing them toward it. In any event, Burkeman provides additional food for thought.
- Ted Ideas has posted on GetPocket a summary of eight ideas on "How to Be More Hopeful," each with links to the relevant Ted video for further information. (1) Shift to the brighter side whenever you feel down. By focusing on the positive, you bring a better balance to your thinking. (2) Recognize that you can change your life at any point. (3) Look for meaning in the most challenging moments. (4) Listen to another person’s story. "When you hear a story about the love, wisdom and courage that fill our most important moments, ... “it can sometimes feel like you’re walking on holy ground.” (5) Return to your home base. Writer Elizabeth Gilbert says that after the blockbuster success of her memoir Eat, Pray, Love, she released another book — and “it bombed.” ... her home base is the act of writing itself — not getting good reviews, watching her books become best-sellers, or selling movie rights. (6) Add some wow to your world. (7) Remember the essential goodness of humanity. “There’s alway going to be these horrible tragedies that happen in our lives, and these terrible things, but there’s always going to be more good out there, and you just have to look for it.” (8) Think about your death (yes, really). "This doesn’t need to be a morbid activity; [but artist] Candy Chang has found it can be illuminating and centering. ... In this way, preparing for death — and thinking about all the things you can achieve right now — can be one of the most uplifting things you can do."
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.Notes on "Let go of unhelpful worries/fears/regrets/past hurts/recriminations/low self-image and other baggage. ..."
- This "letting go" can be crucial for many unhappy people. These unhelpful practices can be the principal reason that greater happiness does not come easily. If you dwell on, ruminate about or constantly think about or replay worrying or disheartening thoughts or experiences, your brain will soon enough be thinking of little else (and your mood will reflect all that as if it were fact). But you can interrupt all of that by thinking about the positive aspects of life, too. [See the Gretchen Rubin item just below]. One of the main ideas here is that if you fight with these baggage items or actively detest or resent them, or rail {complain bitterly to yourself of to others} against them in trying to get rid of them, these actions seem only to make them stick better. You will be pleasantly surprised by the effectiveness of just letting them go. The Sedona Method (which is also selling lots of related items, and which you can Google) suggests you start with just deciding to drop the unhelpful ideas/emotions/thoughts:
- Deciding to Drop It (from their article "The First Four Ways of Letting Go").
. Pick up a pen, a pencil, or some small object that you would be willing to drop without giving it a second thought.. Now, hold the object in front of you and really grip it tightly. Pretend this is one of your limiting feelings and that your hand represents your gut or your consciousness. If you held the object long enough, this would start to feel uncomfortable yet familiar.. Now, open your hand and roll the object around in it. Notice that you are the one holding on to it; it is not attached to your hand. The same is true with your feelings. Your feelings are as attached to you as this object is attached to your hand.. We hold on to our feelings and forget that we are holding on to them. It’s even in our language. When we feel angry or sad, we don’t usually say, “I feel angry,” or “I feel sad.” We say, “I am angry,” or “I am sad.” Without realizing it, we are misidentifying that we are the feeling. Often, we believe a feeling is holding on to us. This is not true … we are always in control and just don’t know it.. Now, let the object go.. What happened? You let go of the object, and it dropped to the floor. Was that hard? Of course not. That’s what we mean when we say, “Let go or ‘release'.”. You can do the same thing with any emotion: choose to let it go.
- In this process of "letting go" you rid yourself of the unhelpful baggage much more effectively than if you rail against it. They also suggest that when you experience an unhelpful emotion that you let it "settle" in some sense (be sure of how you are feeling), and then ask yourself some simple questions:
- Could I let this feeling go? It does not even matter whether you answer yes or no (but "no" may help you know how badly you want to be rid of it).
- Would I let this feeling go? Are you willing to be done with it? You may even be eager to let it go. Just don't rail against it.
- When? This is an invitation to answer "right now." But if not now, then maybe you will feel more like it later.
- At any rate, if you are ready, just let the unhelpful feeling or emotion go while visualizing the pen from the prior example falling to the floor. It took no effort beyond maybe tipping your hand slightly so it could roll off of its own accord. Here you are using your choice to just let it go. And you calmly begin thinking of other things. It may be helpful for some people to have a favorite positive/enjoyable subject to which to turn their attention. The point is that this gentle process allows you to become the manager of your thoughts and attitudes, allowing the baggage to just fall away. Repeat these steps whenever the old (or other) baggage returns to the stage of your mind. In a short time you will find it fading into the past while the new happier mindset takes its place.
. - Use Dr. Fordyce's strategies to change your mind and control your thoughts - from his Fifth Fundamental, "Stop Worrying":
- "The strategy here is quite basic: we want to be happy; our happiness is largely dependent upon our day-to-day mood; our day-to-day mood is largely dependent upon what thoughts pass through our mind; our thoughts can be brought under our control; and thus, by controlling our thoughts we can control our happiness."
- "... the more time one spends thinking positive thoughts, instead of negative thoughts, the happier one will be. And since thoughts are generally easier to change than feelings, the more we are able to harness the direction of our thoughts, the more control we will find over our happiness."
- Use the 'thought check,' 'thought switching' and your 'main thought' to focus your thinking (away from worrying) toward better moods and toward better overall happiness more of the time.
- You may be pleased to see how much more effective this method is than your prior angry response to the old recurring baggage.
- Also, use this "letting go" process to help you to be OK with adverse circumstances and treatment. See "How To Really Let Whatever Happens Be Okay—and Why You Would Want To," above.
- Accept what is by watching your reaction with curiosity. [Tolle describes this as being an alert witness to the unpleasant thing and your response. You step aside and observe, consciously. Tolle suggests alternately that you make yourself transparent to the irritation by visualizing it passing right through you with no resistance (therefore, with no reaction or response).]
- Gretchen Rubin says “Make the Positive Argument” instead of the negative one. It can change your opinion and frame of mind in a wonderful way. She expands as follows.
- I love my husband with all my heart, but sometimes I fall into a spiral of criticism. He annoys me by not answering my emails, and that gets me thinking about how he also annoys me by not mailing an important form, and so on.
I discovered an excellent technique to combat this tendency. In general, people are very skillful at arguing a particular case. When a person takes a position, he or she looks for evidence to support it and then stops, satisfied. This mental process gives the illusion that a position is objective and well justified. However—and this is the useful point—a person can often make the very opposite argument, just as easily. If I tell myself, “I’m a shy person,” I remember examples of my shyness. If I tell myself, “I’m an outgoing person,” I remember times when I was outgoing. I’m able to argue both conclusions quite persuasively.
To make use of this phenomenon, I’ve resolved to “Make the positive argument.”
When I catch myself thinking, “My husband isn’t very thoughtful,” and my mind starts kicking up examples of thoughtlessness, I contradict myself with “He’s very thoughtful”—and sure enough, I’m able to come up with many examples of his thoughtful behavior. “He doesn’t enjoy celebrating holidays”; “He does enjoy celebrating holidays.”
I can actually feel my opinion shift. It’s almost uncanny.
Resolve to “Make the positive argument.” You’ll be amazed at how convincing you can be—to yourself.
- See also How To Stop Replaying Old Arguments in your mind. Its on the Positivity Blog, in the Related Resources, below.
- Watch for distortions in your thinking (see Burns' list above), do as Tolle suggests and be the silent watcher of your mind, how it makes you feel, etc. But don't editorialize or condemn yourself. Just by observing it you will gain power over your thoughts and moods. Use Byrne's Secret Shifters to change your thoughts to improve your mood.
- Marina Khidekel at Thrive Global (about) posts "3 Ways to Stop Irrational Worries From Spiraling Out of Control" which provides some ideas for getting started: (1) Focus on your own story, (2) Write it out, (3) ask yourself if there anything you can do about this right now?
- Sweta Bothra at Thrive Global (about) posts "5 Ways to Know If You’re Chasing Unhappiness: Here's how to identify the signs, and let go of the things that are taking away from your happiness." The five ways deal with (1) Complaining, (2) Having Unrealistic Demands, (3) Comparing, (4) Holding Grudges, and (5) Investing in Possessions. The article is worth looking over, in case you are inadvertently contributing to your own unhappiness in ways that you can change once you know about them.
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.Notes on "Find your passion; make a career of it. ..."
- Doing things that are interesting to you (over against things that are boring, for example) is a nobrainer. But how does one identify one's passions? It is not a lot more than making a list of your interests, enjoyments, dreams and talents (often, more of heart than mind; but don't leave out the latter), then putting them in order. Your passions are at the top of the list. And don't be too quick to rule out something that appears at first glance to be unaffordable, for example. Make the list first; then order it, weed out some, and re-order. Keep the best ones, whether or not they make really good sense in the first instance, and perhaps especially if other people think they are silly.
- Here are some ideas for step-by-step procedures that may also be helpful in getting started.
- Lifestyle Makeover Expert Cheryl Richardson's 5 steps "Discover Your Dreams," from an Oprah Winfrey Show on finding your passions, (with links and other helpful suggestions). Their item "Pursuing Your Passion" has helpful suggestions too.
- Sean M. Lyden's article "Finding Your Passion" {some commercial clutter} looks at it from a career and business standpoint; but the personal aspects are not a whole lot different. He identifies 6 steps: [1] Identify what gets you excited, [2] Go back to your childhood, [3] Take stock of your talents, [4] "Shop" on the job, [5] Look at the big picture (from Covey's three questions: Do I like doing it? Am I good at it? Does the world need it?), and [6] Put it to the test. His article cites other resources, too.
- Brad Bollenbach's article "Finding Your Passion" is more about experimenting with alternatives than making lists of possibilities. It could use more depth and some examples; but his photo of an ecstatic girl with her guitar is worth a visit just to spark your enthusiasm.
- Frederic Premji's page "7 Questions To Finding Your True Passion" lists these questions: [1] What puts a smile on your face?, [2] What do you find easy?, [3] What sparks your creativity?, [4] What would you do for free?, [5] What do you like to talk about?, [6] What makes you unafraid of failure? {things you would do no matter the outcome}, and [7] What would you regret not having tried?
- Michelle Martin's Finding Your Life Passion article {career context} suggests using photos, art and music to help you sift through your interests. This allows you to engage your artistic right brain more than the left-brain-logic-centered lists of words, for example.
- Curt Rosengren's "Identifying Your Passion's Building Blocks" {career context} focuses on why we like or are interested in certain things.
- Daylle Deanna Schwartz posts "Finding Your Passions" in the blog Lessons from a Recovering Doormat {career empowerment context}. It is very breezy and positive, ... and fun. She mentions some helpful steps: [1] Think about whether you love, or even like, the things you do, [2] Pay attention to how others talk about their jobs, [3] Pay attention to any parts of your current job that you enjoy, [4] Pay attention to your outside interests, [5] Take a class in whatever interests you, [6] Volunteer at something you like to do, [7] Close your ears to naysayers, [8] Use your spiritual faith to manifest, and [9] Decide what’s more important—money or happiness. {"being happy with what you do is the best gift you can give to yourself—much better than money can buy"}.
- Complete the VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire, among the "Engagement Questionnaires" at the Authentic Happiness website. It takes about a half-hour; but it is worth the effort [the Brief Strengths Test is not as helpful]. They list your strengths in descending order, with your passions at the top. You need to register; but it is free, and they don't bomb your mailbox with clutter. By registering, they keep your scores so that you can see improvements when you re-take any test later.
- "In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: They must be fit for it. They must not do too much of it. And they must have a sense of success in it." — John Ruskin.
- ... There are many others. Just Google "Finding Your Passions" (or some variant) and run your own quest.
- Finally, as you pursue possible passions, keep your eyes open to nearby alternatives. You might be able to refine them into something even better.
- One sage, after a long quest to identify his own passions, exclaimed "I discovered that I had been hired by the universe, ... to be myself." Remember, you are unique; and your creation was neither happenstance nor accident. It was done on purpose by The Master. Let your talents, personality and individuality shine. Be your best self.
- Haidt points out (in his Felicity of Virtue chapter, pp. 169-170) that it is much more productive to work from your strengths than it is to try to correct a weakness directly by itself. By using your strengths, you find greater interest and enjoyment in the endeavor. Thereby you are much more likely to stick to it and ultimately succeed. He suggests that you use your strengths to work around your weaknesses: whether you ultimately correct them or just go around them, you get substantially the same result. And you have fun doing it through the use of your strengths (which, of course, are themselves strengthened through practice).
- "To find out what one is fitted to do and to secure an opportunity to do it is key to happiness." — John Dewey.
- Benjamin Hardy has posted "Make Decisions Today That Will Impress Your Friends In 20 Years." To me it is not so much about impressing friends as it is about longer-term thinking and moving strategically into a future that I have thought about more than casually. Ben adds "There is a profound new insight emerging from the field of positive psychology and it’s this: The view we have of our own future is the greatest determinant in who we are and what we do today. Said another way: What we [choose to] do today is based on the future we see for ourselves." He also notes: "The further out you make your decisions, the more informed your decisions will be. If you want to be a highly conscious and intentional person, then you need to think about where your choices are leading you. Every decision you make is impacting your future self."
. Notes on "Remember that by simply thinking about and valuing happiness (paying increased attention to it) ..."
- As the 14th Fundamental of Fordyce (above), VALHAP "the Secret Fundamental" elaborates, there is a by-product of studying and valuing happiness that you might not predict immediately. You find an increase in your happiness simply by paying greater attention to it. This is, of course, completely consistent with the law of attraction and our notes on optimism: when you think of the positive aspects, and think about optimistic outcomes, you feel happier. Well, if you think more about being happy, how to get there, what to do to obtain more of it, then more of it will come to you as a result. Fordyce calls it "happiness awareness" in his 14th Fundamental.
- If you encountered this notion before you embarked on your study of happiness, and how to get more of it, you might think it is a bit hokey. But if you get to this one after you have been paying increased attention to it for a while, you will see immediately that it is a true side-benefit that you would likely not have predicted at the outset. Count another blessing.
- Psyc 157 - "Psychology and the Good Life" [Yale Bulletin-Psych programs] was easily the most wildly popular course in 2017 at Yale. If you are not currently a student at Yale, the article "Read This Story and Get Happier ... The most popular course at Yale teaches how to be happy. We took it for you." provides a good summary of its content, and may help you with the basics of how to change your behavior and habits to realize greater happiness and joy in your everyday non-Yale-student life. In about 2018 the course was restructured as a free on-line course "The Science of Well-Being" [Yale news blurb] that had been viewed more than a million times in late 2019. It is referred to in a related HuffPost article "What We Get Wrong About Happiness, According To A Real Happiness Professor," that may also contain useful information. A short video "The Science of Well-Being - Dr. Laurie Santos' New Online Course" (under 2 minutes), narrated by Dr. Laurie Santos herself (the Yale professor who started the whole thing), is available on YouTube.
- Another aspect of simply paying more attention to and valuing your happiness, is measuring and tracking it. This practice can also be helpful to some people. There are a variety of websites devoted to "tracking happiness" (just google the phrase). Hugo (about) posts his own Tracking Happiness page where he suggests: "Determine what makes you happy. Every day. Act on it." He posts some logs and charts from his own experience, and offers a free custom template for doing so yourself.
- Remember also to look for things to laugh about. See the item on making it a habit to practice laughter (above).
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.Notes on "Avoid what leads to unhappiness ..."
- As Shimoff mentions in "Happiness for No Reason" (above), your happiness is already inside you, and will be manifest as soon as you stop the activities, attitudes and practices which are keeping it hidden and ineffective. As such, you don't have to start doing anything new; all you have to do is to stop keeping your happiness back. This can be a great boon to those who are too burned out to work much at all on anything, and especially to those unaware that they are keeping their innate happiness from helping them to feel better.
- See also How To Stop Replaying Old Arguments in your mind. Its on the Positivity Blog, in the Related Resources, below.
- Burns identifies 10 kinds of distorted thinking and low self-esteem as common to virtually all people who are unhappier than they would like to be. These are matters under your control; and you can remedy them both. Every positive step will result in improved joy, happiness and contentment.
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.Notes on "xx ..." <future, to come> ...
- next
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- Wikipedia posts helpful entries on happiness as a central theme of Buddhism, including the Middle Way (moderation, avoiding extremes), the Four Noble Truths (suffering's nature, origin, cessation and the path leading to the cessation) and the Noble Eightfold Path (right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration), leading to Nirvana (liberation, enlightenment, awakening, the highest happiness, a state of everlasting peace), and elimination of thirst or craving of all sorts and exhibiting loving kindness to everyone (and helping them to attain it).
- Their single page "What is Happiness?" talks about positive emotions, satisfaction, elation and joy, etc.
- George Ortega's Happiness Method describes four things you can do to increase your happiness quickly.
- Their 21 Ways of Becoming Happier lists lots of others, each with a quick paragraph or two to get you started.
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